UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING (3D): I’m Not Going to Complain About 90 Minutes of Kate Beckinsale in a Catsuit …

Underworld: Evolution (2012; in 3D) – Directed by Måns Mårlind and Björn Stein – Starring Kate Beckinsale, Sandrine Holt, Theo James, Michael Ealy, India Eisley, Stephen Rea, and Charles Dance.

… but I will complain about nearly everything else in this dreary, tired shoot ‘em up.

UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING does not do for 3D what it does for catsuits.

Look, I’m never going to get tired of Kate Beckinsale. Ever. Even if she wasn’t jumping around looking all bad ass in her leather and latex catsuit, she’s one of the most stunningly beautiful women walking. That’s awesome, but that’s not enough to make a movie awesome, and unfortunately UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING is just not a very good movie.

I don’t really want to talk to much about the movie, and not just because there’s not a lot to talk about. The film jumps the story 12 years into the future because … well, because that’s the number someone pulled out of a hat. There’s no real discernible difference in this world. There was a “Purge,” where humans went all crazy killing all the vamps and wolves they could and driving the rest underground. They put Selene (Kate Beckinsale), Michael (Scott Speedman, who’s not in the film, but whose face was used to make it look like he was), and their daughter Eve (India Eisley) in cryogenic suspension and do all kinds of tests on them to come up with evil science-related stuff. Selene and Eve escape and then …

Then the shooting starts. It stops an hour or so later.

When the film does the franchise’s trademark shots of Kate looking sexy and bad-ass (usually in shots involving smoke, slow-mo, and her icy-blue enhanced eyes), AWAKENING is a reasonable enough facsimile of the first two movies to not be a waste of your time, but even the action sequences here seem tired and dated. Selene can walk around in the sunlight now, and the film takes advantage of this by … *grumble* … by having two scenes take place in the sunlight. One takes place in a car when the film establishes that Selene being in sunlight is a big deal. The second is when she gets out of the car and walks into a building.

That’s it.

What’s the point of her having these new powers if you don’t take advantage of it?

What’s worse is that most of the action scenes take place in dingy, cramped, dark settings: a vampire coven’s underground lair, an abandoned building, a pier, a rooftop, a science lab, and the big finale takes place in … a parking garage.

Honestly.

All of it creates a claustrophobic feel to this film, a feeling made worse by the 3D.

Which gets me to what I really want to talk about: 3D. I haven’t seen a 3D movie since Captain EO. Yeah, Captain EO. And after watching AWAKENING, I really don’t have a lot of desire to see another one.

Now, I am completely aware that UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING does not represent the finest and highest quality 3D technology the world is capable of producing. And were a film (like Hugo, for instance) made to take advantage of what 3D has to offer, I would gladly pay my money to see it, but AWAKENING does nothing with the technology that makes the use of it seem the least bit worthwhile. I mean, big deal, some shards of glass fly at my face. A werewolf sticks his snout in mine.

It doesn’t add anything to my experience.

In fact, it hurts the experience. Perhaps my “Real D 3D” glasses are to blame, but I’ll take a crisp, bright image in 2D over a muted, dull image in 3D any old day of the lunar calendar. At several times during the film I actually took the glasses off and just watched the film without them. I kept waiting for the sequence where it would all pay off, but it never arrives. I’m sure the extra $2 I paid (well, that the person I went with paid) to watch the 3D version helps the bottom line, but a bad experience hurts the bottom line of every film that comes along after this that has the 3D option.

I’ll offer two caveats to this: One, when we left the theater there was a massive line waiting to get in. My guess is that those people were there to see the 3D version of Phantom Menace because what else is in the theaters right now that could get that many people to wait in a huge line in the middle of a day (even a Saturday) in Reno? Perhaps my dissent puts me in the minority. There’s no shortage of 3D movies being released, so obviously there’s an audience for them, but a movie like AWAKENING just feels like a 2D movie with 3D tacked on.

The second caveat is that the 3D trailer for Wrath of the Titans looked much better than anything offered in AWAKENING, so it is completely possible that I just happened to sit through one of the worst examples of what the current tech can do.

All of the above being true, I didn’t have a completely horrible time. No, AWAKENING isn’t a good movie, but it is a mildly diverting one. I don’t know who thought it was a good idea to give Selene a kid to worry about (for the fifth film, how about we give her nothing to worry about and just let her kick ass?) and I’ve completely had it with the vampire/lycan hybrid angle, but if you’re either a fan of the franchise or a fan of catsuits, there’s nothing else in the theaters right now that offers both. AWAKENING isn’t anything it doesn’t advertise itself to be, but that doesn’t mean it’s automatically good.

But, hey, 90 minutes of Kate Beckinsale. I’ll see anything she’s in, catsuit or not.

Well, anything except Pearl Harbor.

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN: And Dracula and the Wolf Man, Too

Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948) – Directed by Charles Barton – Starring Bud Abbott, Lou Costello, Lon Chaney Jr., Bela Lugosi, Glenn Strange, Lenore Aubert, Jane Randolph, and the voice of Vincent Price.

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN is a completely delightful movie that sees our comedic duo embroiled in a monster story that goes very, very, very light on the horror and very, very heavy on the comedy. In truth, there are no scary moments in ACMF, though the film derives a good deal of humor from Costello being afraid of the monsters that he keeps happening to see and Abbott keeps happening not to see.

Chick Young (Abbott) and Wilbur Smith (Costello) are working as baggage clerks and they get a frantic phone call from London; Larry Talbot (Lon Chaney Jr.) calls to tell them that two packages are due to arrive for “McDougal’s House of Horrors” and that they are not to deliver those packages; before he can properly make his case, however, the full moon comes out and he turns into the Wolfman. McDougal shows up and Chick and Wilbur sign the two massive packages over to him and then deliver them to his House of Horrors.

What’s impressive about ACMF is that there’s a real story here, and Abbott and Costello use the situations presented by the story to do their comedy bits. There’s a lot of “falling package” jokes here at the beginning, as Wilbur’s romantic interest Sandra (Lenore Aubert) has a bunch of packages that tumble down on him, and then Wilbur gets on top of one of McDougal’s crates and nearly tumbles down, but the bits enhance rather than detract from the narrative.

Chick and Wilbur bring the two crates to McDougal’s House of Horrors and there’s an extended bit with Wilbur seeing Dracula (Bela Lugosi) and the Frankenstein Monster (Glenn Strange) and Chick not seeing them that’s really effectively done. The scene is humorous more than laugh-out loud funny, but it works because the chemistry between Abbott and Costello is so good that they take simple bits and get the best out of them.

The real joy in ACMF is all of the interaction between Abbott, Costello, Lugosi, and Chaney, Jr. (Glenn Strange plays Frankenstein’s Monster because Boris Karloff didn’t want in on the shenanigans.) All four of the men are total professionals, and Lugosi and Chaney Jr. blend their talents seamlessly with the two comedians.

Lugosi’s Dracula is the film’s bad guy; he’s partnered with Sandra, who’s been seducing Wilbur in order to cut out his brain and stick it in the Monster’s head. Dracula wants a Monster who’s easier to control, so they’ve selected Wilbur because, well, he’s easier to control. Dracula puts him under a couple times with his mesmerizing eyes superpower. There’s a running gag where Chick can’t believe that beautiful women like Sandra first, and Joan (Jane Randolph) second prefer Wilbur’s company to his own. Chick is insulted because he thinks the women find Wilbur more appealing, but really it’s because the two women think they can manipulate him into getting what they want easier than they could with Chick.

Lugosi is a total pro, giving everything in every scene; his charisma is so strong that he almost doesn’t need his powers to hypnotize people into doing what he wants.

Chaney gets to be the voice of concern in the film, and he displays a real somber earnestness as Larry Talbot, whose constantly trying to stop Dracula from using the Monster. Wilbur semi-believes him and Chick doesn’t believe him at all, but when Chick’s eyes are opened at a costume ball, he’s all in. Wilbur and Joan are hypnotized and captured, and Chick and Talbot work together to get them back.

The final act sees all of our players embroiled in the big climax. It’s a really wonderfully conceived and executed sequence by director Charles Barton. There’s plenty of deaths: Sandra is killed by the Monster, and when Dracula turns into a bat, the Wolf Man snares him and they both tumble to their deaths in the rocky water below. Chick and Wilbur flee in a boat, while Stevens (a scientist working for Sandra) and Joan set the pier on fire, engulfing and then apparently killing the Monster.

As Chick and Wilbur flee across the water, they hear the voice of the Invisible Man (Vincent Price), sending the two friends into the water and leaving us with the menacing sound of Vincent Price laughing.

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN offers a whole lot of story in its 83 minutes and it never disappoints. I suppose if you want your Universal horror monsters to be scary, ACMF isn’t the film for you, but as a final act for these characters, this film is a gentle, but appropriate farewell.

VAN HELSING: I Am Hollow

Van Helsing (2004) – Directed by Stephen Sommers – Starring Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale, Richard Roxburgh, David Wenham, Will Kemp, Kevin J. O’Connor, and Shuler Hensley.

Seven years on and VAN HELSING still reeks of bad stew.

There’s no reason why this film shouldn’t have been a blast given the inclusion of Sommers (hot, at the time, off the first two Mummy movies), Hugh Jackman (hot, at the time, off the first X-Men movie), Kate Beckinsale (hot, at the time, because she’s always hot), Richard Roxburgh, a triumvirate of horror movie monsters (Dracula, Wolfman, Frankenstein), and an ample CGI budget, and yet the film is little more than a moderately attractive clunker with a pretty decent score by Alan Silvestri.

Why did it fail?

The most obvious problem with VAN HELSING is that it reeks of derivativeness. Right off the top there’s Hugh Jackman’s Van Helsing, who’s been crafted as a Victorian Wolverine. Van Helsing is an anti-hero, a killer working on the side of good with a mysterious past, troubled memories, and (once he gets bitten by a werewolf) an inner beast that he struggles to contain.

How’s Van Helsing different? Well, he’s got long hair. And he wears a coat. And a really stupid hat. Honestly, I’m so tired of the black duster/leather jacket look anywhere outside of a western. Hugh Jackman can’t pull it off. Nic Cage can’t pull it off. That dude on the cover of the Jim Butcher books can’t pull it off.

Just stop.

So we’ve got Victorian Wolverine running around, working for some secret religious organization housed at the Vatican and called the Knights of the Holy Been Here Seen This Already. Van Helsing walks into a confessional and a James Bond Q sequence breaks out as we watch Carl (David Wenham) show off a bunch of new weapons that makes jokes about using. It’s such a tired and played out sequence that your finger starts itching for the remote control.

Then there’s Kate Beckinsale’s Anna, who comes off as the lesbian love child of her own Selene from Underworld and Natasha from Rocky & Bullwinkle. She talks with such a ridiculous accent that Kevin Costner is jealous. “I vill talk like dis for de entire picture show, Van HELLLLsing.” Honestly, why bother with accents in a movie like this? Is anyone going to go home from watching this in the theater going, “Man, VAN HELSING was the f*cking bomb, but, geez, Kate Beckinsale couldn’t even do a Transylvanian accent? What a joke.” Dumb. Just dumb. Like so many decisions in this movie it’s just a dumb decision. No one is going to care. And if you’re worried they will? Easy. She’s part of a family that Dracula wants to eradicate. Send her to boarding school in England, for heavens-to-backstory’s sake.

I’m sure someone with money at Universal saw a team-up of Wolverine and Selene running around in a movie done by the Mummy guy as a Can’t Miss. But it misses badly.

And I think the biggest problem is Hugh Jackman’s Van Helsing.

Now, I’m not hating on the dude. I like him as an actor just fine and he’s perfect for a movie like this, but the mix of Sommers and Jackman creates a very character with a conflicted tone. At times, Van Helsing is quick with a quip, but at others he’s so overwrought and serious that you wonder if he’s embarrassed to be in a popcorn flick.

Maybe the problem lies with Sommer’s creation of the character. Maybe he didn’t want to do Brendan Fraser Redux with his main star but removing an overblown character with a somber one hurts the unbelievability of the movie. Fraser is having such a good time in The Mummy that his energy and charm propels you through the ridiculousness of certain situations. Because he’s got his tongue-planted-firmly and all that, you like him and because you like him you want to like the movie.

Jackman’s Van Helsing could offer the same charm because Jackman shows in the random scene here or there in VAN HELSING that he can bring that same lightheartedness, but the film fronts the dark and mysterious aspect of Jackman’s character in a nod towards realism and that, in turn, makes the unbelievable seem hokey as opposed to fun. Because Van Helsing isn’t having fun or taking note of the absurdity of what’s happening, when the absurd happens (such as during the horse carriage chase sequence) I just roll my eyes. (Figuratively, not literally – who actually rolls their eyes anymore? It’s a lost gesture.).

Van Helsing doesn’t look like he’s having fun. He doesn’t look like he wants to be here and if he doesn’t, then why should we care?

Thirty-four minutes into the film it’s obvious this film is not going to please. Through the first 34 minutes we’ve had four action sequences and a totally unnecessary infodump sequence (the aforementioned James Bond Q sequence). The movie opens with a nice idea – a black and white storming the castle sequence with angry villagers raiding Castle Frankenstein as the good Doctor is trying to bring his creation to life – but it never really comes together because there’s too much going on. We’ve got Dr. Frankenstein doing his thing but then Dracula shows up and Igor betrays Frankenstein and I started to instantly get the feeling that the film was just tossing anything familiar it could get its hands on up on the screen. It’s like no one involved in the production had a “2 AM Cool Idea Filter” to stop those ideas that seem good as a concept but fail in execution.

Just talk out that last paragraph. You’ve got Frankenstein doing his most famous bit but then Dracula shows up and Igor switches sides as the villagers are rioting outside … sounds perfectly cool but it doesn’t come together. It’s all played too seriously. When the scene is over we shift to color and get the title card, “One Year Later.”

What?

It took one year to go from black and white to color?

We get our intro to Van Helsing as he chases down Mister Hyde through a big fight sequence. Then it’s on to the Vatican for the Q sequence, then we jump to Transylvania where we’re introduced to Anna and her brother Velkan, and then we get a big action sequence where Anna and Van Helsing team up to fight lady vampires. It just doesn’t work.

Action, action, infodump, action, action.

Serious, quipster, quipster, serious, serious with a dash of quipster.

It’s not fun and that’s VAN HELSING’s biggest crime. Even when Jackman is quipping, he does it in a droll manner that might make you smile thin but not smile broad. There’s so much thought put into elaborate CGI action sequences and so little into what the end result of their work is going to look like on the screen that it just frustrates you. I don’t ever feel like they really know who Van Helsing is and so we get this disconnected, disjointed character that has no appeal. He’s not cool, he’s not dangerous, he’s not really tortured, and he’s simply not engaging. I don’t care what happens to him.

Richard Roxburgh is fantastic as Dracula and he actually seems to be having a good time, so we’ve got the inverse of the Mummy formula here, where the bad guy has the mega personality and the hero has the flat personality. When asked by one of his brides if he has a heart about them, he responds gleefully that, “Of course not. I have no heart. I am hollow,” in a wonderfully campy manner. Maybe if Kate Beckinsale’s Anna wasn’t also so damn dour and glum and tortured it wouldn’t seem like such a disconnect between the fun Dracula and the boring Van Helsing, but they’ve overloaded her character with such a heavy backstory that she can’t offer anything but dourness.

Is this done purposely to mirror Selene? Was there enough time between the two movies for this to be done on purpose?

The same disjointed conception of character affects Anna, too. On the one hand, we’re supposed to believe she’s this sword-wielding bad ass who can take care of herself, and yet every time she gets in danger, she starts quivering and shaking and being all afraid. Why? The most egregious affront to her character comes during the big final battle when she’s squaring off against the last remaining lady vampire (she has a name but you’ll remember her as “the redheaded one”) and she gets saved by … wait for it … Frankenstein’s creature crashing through the window.

Circumstance. F*cking circumstance.

It’s such garbage.

Even the key to victory is achieved through circumstance. People have been trying to kill Dracula for 400 years and no one can do it. Silver doesn’t work, crosses don’t work, fire doesn’t work, terminal boredom doesn’t work. So what’s the key to killing him?

You’ve got to be a werewolf to do it. And, oh, lookee there, Van Helsing got himself bit by Anna’s werewolf brother. How lame is that? How about having them figure it out and Van Helsing allowing himself to get bit?

Further showing that the film doesn’t want you to have a good time, they deliver a limp ending that sees Anna getting killed by the Van Werewolf and then a sad hero gets to literally see Anna being reunited with her family in Heaven. And by “in Heaven,” I mean the clouds in the sky.

VAN HELSING is an attractive enough looking film that it’s not a horrible watch, but it’s certainly not a very good movie. Poorly conceived characters in a poorly executed story with a decent visual look makes for an forgettable film.