BLADE II: The Dark Knight Returns

Blade II (2002) – Directed by Guillermo del Toro – Starring Wesley Snipes, Kris Kristofferson, Ron Perlman, Leonor Varela, Norman Reedus, Luke Goss, Thomas Kretschmann, Danny John-Jules, Donnie Yen, and Tony Curran.

BLADE II is one of the most successfully stylish films I’ve ever seen.

Even if the story sucked (and it doesn’t), I could watch BLADE II and enjoy it simply for how cool it looks, moves, and sounds. With Guillermo del Toro stepping into the director’s chair for Stephen Norrington, the BLADE franchise loses a bit of its grittiness and gains some flash in return. The main elements still remain, however: BLADE II is an R-rated superhero/horror film full of violence and blood, and Wesley Snips and Kris Kristofferson still provide the rock-solid narrative backbone.

One of the best decisions made concerning BLADE II was to tell a new story instead of simply redoing the first story; the stakes are amped up here, first by having Blade (Snipes) searching for his mentor/mechanic Whistler (Kristofferson) and leaving a trail of dead vampire bodies throughout Eastern Europe. When he finds the old man, Whistler is being held in a vat of blood, the vampires regenerating his body after they bit him and he offed himself in the first film. Blade brings Whistler to his temporary HQ, which he now shares with a new tech guy, Scud (Norman Reedus), and forces him on a one-night detox that does, admittedly, feel like a bit of a plot contrivance to get us from where we started to resetting the old Whistler. The film builds on this idea, though, teasing us with the possibility that Whistler’s vamp time has altered his allegiances.

The new HQ is attacked by some vampire assassins who are dressed in such a way that they now look like early costume designs for del Toro’s later Hellboy, Hellboy 2, and Pan’s Labyrinth films.

All of this happens within the first few sequences of the movie, and you can already tell that del Toro is going for a more stylish approach to the material. In the first BLADE, there was an attack on Blade and Whistler’s HQ by some vampires, and just like last film their current HQ is some kind of abandoned factory. The attack itself is rendered very differently this time around, however, as del Toro makes these vamps highly trained assassins, so there’s lots of jumping and flipping, lots of sword fighting and kicking, and lots of visual flair, both in terms of how the action is filmed and in the film’s color palette. Del Toro likes to paint his scenes with highly saturated colors to balance off all the darkness that’s unavoidable in a movie with vampires.

The two attacking vamps (dressed in head-to-toe black leather and goggles) reveal themselves to be Nyssa (Leonor Varela) and Asad (Danny John-Jules), and there’s a nice twist in that they’re coming to Blade to ask for his help. They bring him to meet one of the Big Bad Vamps, Eli Damaskinos (Thomas Kretschmann), who tells Blade there’s a new breed of mutated vamp out there who are feasting on vampires. Blade, of course, doesn’t see an issue with this, but then Damaskinos makes the point that when the Reapers are done feasting and turning regular vampires, where else are they gonna go except to eat humans?

It’s a rather simple but highly effective premise as Blade and his enemies are forced to work together. Nyssa and Asad have been training and leading the Blood Pack, a group of vampire assassins that are being trained to kill Blade. Nobody is happy about this, but the vampire Reinhardt (Ron Perlman) takes the lead on the anti-Blade rhetoric, and it’s a wise move because Reinhardt is, well, because Reinhardt is Ron Perlman. Perlman and Snipes have great chemistry together, in that Perlman is taller, grunts louder, and looks perfectly willing to stand toe-to-toe with Blade. Reinhardt functions as the Evil Whistler, in many regards, as they’re both the old curmudgeon/mentor figure of their respective units. One of the best aspects of BLADE II is simply listening to Whistler spout profanities around at Blade, Scud, Reinhardt, and anyone else who gets in his way.

BLADE II expertly uses action sequences to advance the narrative; instead of having a bunch of set pieces in between all the killing to build the plot, BLADE II is just as likely to introduce story elements inside the action sequences as it is during the downtime, such as questioning Whistler’s allegiances or introducing a subplot concerning Nomak (Luke Goss), the first Reaper, not killing Nyssa during a big Blood Pack vs. Reapers fight. It’s a simple but highly effective storytelling technique, as it makes the action exist for reasons beyond the cinematic coolness of watching vampires and Reapers and half-vampires and humans kill each other.

By having two enemy factions working together, the constant question is not if there’s going to be a betrayal of the uneasy alliance, but when the two sides are going to betray the other. Eventually it’s Blade who gets taken out by the Blood Pack, and then he, Whistler, and Scud are brought to Damaskinos’ lair, where Scud reveals he’s one of Damaskinos’ familiars. Blade knew this, of course, and there’s a good bit of comedy as he detonates a small bomb that had been connected to Reinhardt’s skull. Scud is all, “Ha, ha, B, it’s a fake!” and then outs himself as a spy, and Blade tells him, “No, it’s not,” and then triggers the bomb, causing Scud to explode.

It’s a pretty funny moment in a movie without a lot of funny in it. Most of the humor comes from the characters trash talking each other, and it provides the right amount of levity to all of the serious talk focusing on the Reaper problem.

The ending sees Damaskinos revealed as the creator of the Reaper virus and then everyone kills each other, with only our heroes making it out alive. It’s fitting that the film sets up Damaskinos as the father of Nyssa and “father” of Nomak, as their dysfunctional unit eventually sees all of them dead, while the dysfunctional family of Blade and Whistler survives.

BLADE II is another excellent edition to the Marvel catalog, and one that only gets better with repeated viewings.

THE RIVER: First Thoughts on ABC’s Throw Everything at the Screen Horror Show

The River (2012) – Episodes 1-3: “Magus,” “Marbeley,” and “Los Ciegos” – Starring Bruce Greenwood, Joe Anderson, Leslie Hope, Eloise Mumford, Paul Blackthorne, Thomas Kretschmann, Daniel Zacapa, Shaun Parkes, and Paulina Gaitan.

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I tell my students never to use Wikipedia in an essay as a source. It’s just a bad idea to quote a source that can be changed by a smart-ass 15 year old who’s run out of albums to illegally download, and I would never do it. Ever. According to Wikipedia (at least for tonight), THE RIVER is “an American paranormal/adventure/horror/found-footage television series.”

It’s a paranormal … adventure … horror … found-footage television series.

That’s a lot of stuff, and they didn’t even add “fake reality show,” because it’s that, too.

That means THE RIVER is five distinct genres all jammed into one show. Obviously, it’s a complete mess.

Except it’s not.

Somehow, some way, THE RIVER has actually turned out to be a pretty decent show through it’s first three episodes. The set-up is that explorer/television star Emmet Cole (Bruce Greenwood) has gone missing. He used to sign off every episode of his TV show with the phrase, “There’s magic out there,” and at some point he began to take that literally, so he left his wife Tess (Leslie Hope), son Lincoln (Joe Anderson), and producer Clark (Paul Blackthorne) and went looking for magic in the Amazon, promptly getting himself lost. Lincoln grew up on the show aboard his father’s boat, the Magus, but has since had a parting of the way.s Smelling a hit show, Clark has been hired to corral Tess and Lincoln into making a new show about the search for the missing Emmet.

Tess is all gung-ho to go looking, but Lincoln doesn’t want to be bothered. His dad has just been declared legally dead and Lincoln is ready to move on with his life. But since neither Clark nor us would have a show without him, Lincoln agrees and they head to the Amazon, where they hook up with Lena (Eloise Mumford), the daughter of a camera man who’s also gone missing. Lena spent part of her childhood on the boat, too, and she continues to work for Emmet doing research. Lena and Lincoln clearly have some feelings for one another, and this slow reveal of everyone’s back story adds some depth and drama to THE RIVER beyond all the scary, spooky stuff.

Also joining them is Kurt (Thomas Kretschmann), a security operative, Emilio (Daniel Zacapa), the ship’s mechanic, his teenage daughter Jahel (Paulina Gaitan), who serves as the local expert on all things creepy, and A.J. (Shaun Parkes), a camera man. This motley crew goes looking for the Magus and actually finds it at the start of a river that doesn’t appear on any maps because it’s just that spooky.

Every episode is apparently going to see the Magus going further up river on their search for Emmet and having some scary adventure. In the first episode they find some kind of winged monster locked away in the ship’s panic room, in episode two they find some a whole lotta kids’ dolls hanging from some hidden trees, and in episode three they’ve got a native tribe robbing them of their vision and hunting them down.

The show manages to generate a decent amount of tension out of these scenarios, though at times it does get a bit melodramatic. Blame that on the format of the show, which is a paranormal … adventure … horror … found-footage … reality television series.

Thematically, the show mostly operates as the first three. It’s an adventure story about the supernatural where horror stuff happens to them. The look of the show, however, takes its cues from found footage and reality ghost hunting shows. THE RIVER is created by Oren Peli and Michael R. Perry, the creative team behind the found footage movie Paranormal Activity, and THE RIVER takes the look and feel of those films and transports it to a boat on the Amazon. The action off boat is filmed by handheld cameras and stand-alone, stationary cameras. On board ship, it’s the same mix, though with a heavier reliance on stationary cameras. There’s also some “God” cameras floating around, as a decent amount of the action is filmed as if this was a regular TV drama. The crew has also found Emmet’s secret stash of private recordings he’d made that track his descent into madness, but thankfully Emmet hasn’t labeled them so it’s hard for the crew to make heads or tails of them.

THE RIVER uses these various camera techniques to great effect, switching between all of these various types of shots to help build tension. It’s quite effective, and the selection of Bruce Greenwood to play the missing Emmet Cole is perfect. He’s the best actor on the show and the most likable person (at least so far) so you can understand why everyone is risking their lives to find him.

There’s plenty of tension between the characters, too, as most of the people on board either don’t like or don’t trust one another. There’s pockets of comfort, of course, which gives everyone a safe zone: Lincoln and Lena (both hoping to find their missing dads), Clark and A.J., Emilio and Jahel, and Kurt and himself. THE RIVER teases out its secrets of both a personal and supernatural nature and while it’s occasionally a ham-fisted attempt, and while the acting isn’t exactly the best TV has to offer, the writers and actors have found a way to make it work well enough to be a rather entertaining show.

THE RIVER has an 8-episode commitment from ABC for this abbreviated first season run, and I’ve seen enough in three episodes to stick around for the season. While not the best show on TV, THE RIVER is different enough to make it unique, and well-made enough to keep me coming back.

CARS 2: I Really Am Just a Tow Truck

Cars 2 (2011) – The 12th Pixar Animated Feature – Directed by John Lassater – Starring Owen Wilson, Larry the Cable Guy, Michael Caine, Emily Mortimer, Jason Isaacs, Thomas Kretschmann, Eddie Izzard, John Turturro, Joe Mantegna, Tony Shaloub, Bruce Campbell, Franco Nero, John Ratzenberger, Vanessa Redgrave, Bonnie Hunt, Cheech Marin, Katherine Helmond, Jeff Garlin, Edie McClurg, and Richard Kind.

They made an entire movie about the freaking sidekick.

Not a direct-to-DVD movie. Not a made-for-cable movie. Not an animated short that gets played before the real movie, but an actual, honest-to-goodness $200 million release about the …

about the …

… about THE FREAKING TOW TRUCK.

Maybe John Lasseter’s office at the Magic Kingdom is actually in the parking garage, because sucking on exhaust fumes is one of the only possible explanations I can come up with for making this movie revolve around the one-note (one-not-really-that-funny-note) Tow Mater.

I had heard a lot of negative reaction to CARS 2, and through the first 30 or 40 minutes of the movie, I was wondering what could possibly have caused such a negative reaction. The film opens with a fantastic action sequence on an oil rig that sees Finn McMissile (Michael Caine) doing his whole super cool British spy thing. There’s plenty of action and the top flight CGI animation that Pixar does better than anyone else.

From there we head to Radiator Springs, where Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson) is returning home after winning his fourth Piston Cup championship. He reunites with best pal Mater (Larry the Cable Guy), his girlfriend Sally (Bonnie Hunt), and is about to enjoy some good ol’ fashioned time off when Mater gets him wrapped up in some international racing competition. Milex Axelrod (Eddie Izzard) has created this new alternative biofuel called Allinol and to prove how awesome it is, he’s going to stage the World Grand Prix, which will have race cars from all over the world, and from all different series. He’s on TV being interviewed alongside Francesco Bernoulli (John Turturro), a Formula One-styled racing car, who loves himself even more than the ladies love him. Francesco does a bit of trash talking and next thing you know, Mater is calling in to the talk show to talk up the awesomeness of Lightning. When McQueen realizes what’s happening, he jumps on the phone and accepts the invitation to the race.

We’re off to Japan for some really gorgeous CGI and engaging hobnobbing and racing and espionage as Finn and Holly Shiftwell (Emily Mortimer) show up to meet with an American contact. The contact is supposed to be Torque (Bruce Campbell), but the bad guys are onto him. Mater gets in the middle of their battle because Mater is hilarious and Mater in a Japanese bathroom stall is hilarious times hilarious, and Torque attaches his information device onto Mater without the tow truck realizing what’s happened.

And from there the movie rather begins to sink, as it becomes apparent that this is a Mater movie, with McQueen relegated to doing some racing stuff in between Mater being hilarious with Finn and Holly.

I lay the blame for the disappointing CARS 2 solely on the decision to focus on Mater. The story is fine, in and of itself, though the larger themes of friendship and how it’s okay to be a stupid American while in other countries falls a bit flat. The idea of a World Grand Prix is a good one, and the espionage plot is well-conceived, too. Finn and Holly travel by plane and train as they seek to solve the mission of who’s behind the Big Evil Plot, but that idiot Mater is sitting right in the middle of all their espionage stuff being Mater. I just don’t understand what Lasseter was thinking. It’s a classic sequel mistake of taking what was funny in small doses in the original movie and then loading up on it because, obviously, if a little of something is funny than a lot of something is going to be super funny.

Except it’s not.

I suppose it might be possible to say that one’s enjoyment of CARS 2 is equatable with one’s enjoyment of Larry the Cable Guy. Well, my enjoyment of his shtick is rather low, and so every time he does his “dum dum dum der der dum dum der” routine, I want to hit the fast forward button. In small doses, it’s fine, but in large doses it’s just … so … tedious.

It’s a shame because I love the idea of CARS 2. I love the racing angle. I like the idea of taking McQueen and Mater out of Radiator Springs, but Mater’s whole “Dumb American Abroad” routine is as tiresome to me as it is embarrassing to Lightning. I don’t even mind seeing the secondary characters I liked so much in the original CARS become almost non-existent because we get a bunch of new, equally cool secondary characters.

But to build this idea around Mater … Ugh.

CARS 2 certainly isn’t an awful movie. If nothing else, Pixar has created a gorgeous movie to look at. Rather, CARS 2 a pretty good movie with a really awful center. I suppose it’s a bit like enjoying a Tootsie Pop but hating the Tootsie center – it starts all awesome and then bogs down in chewy junk.