SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS: Dangerous at Both Ends and Crafty in the Middle

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (2011) – Directed by Guy Ritchie – Starring Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law, Jared Harris, Noomi Rapace, Rachel McAdams, Kelly Reilly, Eddie Marsan, Paul Anderson, and Stephen Fry.

It was fun.

Next!

Sometimes I watch a movie and there’s just not a lot I want to say about it. Such is the case of SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS. It’s a thoroughly entertaining film with more of Robert Downey Jr. being roguishly, charmingly impossible, with Jude Law being reluctantly happy to be along for the ride. There’s plenty of slo-mo action scenes (which Guy Ritchie has to include or the world will end), plenty of playful nods to Holmes and Watson’s homoeroticism, plenty of things blowing up, and plenty of cleverness. It’s a thoroughly entertaining film.

Wait. Did I say that already?

A GAME OF SHADOWS is the type of entertainment that doesn’t ask anything from you except to be comfortable in my seat. Which I was. Sort of. (Some dick entered the movie right as it was starting and sat right in front of me despite there being plenty of open seats all over the place. Why would anyone do that? It wasn’t as bad as the one ultimate assh*le who sat right in front of me for Cloverfield even though I was the ONLY person in the entire theater, but still, how can anyone have such poor theater-going manners?) It’s also the kind of film that doesn’t promise you anything except what you’re expecting to get, and on that it delivers. SHADOWS is like a formulaic TV show writ large; I know what I’m getting from Castle every week, for instance, and it delivers it with seeming ease and aplomb. I don’t knock or mock it for being predictable because I want what it promises.

And what it promises is Robert Downey Jr. being roguishly, charmingly impossible and Jude Law being reluctantly happy to be along for the-

Wait. Did I say that already?

I should probably mention that I have no loyalty to Sherlock Holmes. While I like the Arthur Conan Doyle stories, the detectives of my youth were Scooby Doo and pals, the Hardy Boys, the Three Investigators, and Encyclopedia Brown. I’m happy to get a good Sherlock Holmes story, wherever it comes from, so when the internet lost its mind last month over CBS’ announcement to do a modern Sherlock story set in New York City, I wasn’t the least bit bothered. No matter if Elementary turns out to be awful, it’s not going to effect either the Conan Doyle Sherlock Holmes’ stories or the Steven Moffat’s current modern interpretation called Sherlock.

The Sherlock that inhabits Guy Ritchie’s films are designed to play to Downey’s strengths and both films do a wonderful job at that. Here, we’ve got a Holmes who’s convinced that a series of French/German bombings are the work of a shadowy mastermind – Professor James Moriarty (Jared Harris). At the same time, we’ve got a Watson on the verge of marriage to Mary Morstan (Kelly Reilly). The Moriarty subplot seems to be here more for Holmes to have a battle of wits while the Watson subplot is here for Downey to be a rascal.

Both plots work. The first leads to all the action and it’s all really well crafted and exciting. The Moriarty plot creates much of the Watson plot, as it’s Moriarty who insists that Watson be involved in the “game” he and Holmes are playing. The film does engage in a bit too much of the “ha-ha, let us show you how brilliant Holmes has been while you think he was doing something else” routines, but Ritchie does a bang-up keeping everything moving forward.

And that’s it, really. Other than a very memorable, very funny turn from Stephen Fry as Sherlock’s brother Mycroft, there’s not a lot here that I’m going to remember. Jared Harris is very good as Moriarty, but then nearly everyone in the film is very good. There’s just so little of it that’s memorable to me. I’ll buy the Blu ray when it hits the $10 bin and enjoy it again, and then probably just as quickly forget about it.

BLACKADDER’S CHRISTMAS CAROL: The Queen Has Banned the Christmas

Blackadder’s Christmas Carol (1988) – Directed by Richard Boden – Starring Rowan Atkinson, Tony Robinson, Miranda Richardson, Stephen Fry, Hugh Laurie, Robbie Coltrane, Miriam Margolyes, Jim Broadbent, and Nicola Bryant.

If you have not seen BLACKADDER’S CHRISTMAS CAROL, you should take 45 minutes out of your day and go watch it. There are three reasons why if you only see one adaptation of Charles Dickens’ non-cricket starring Christmas story this season, it should be this one.

Reason #1: It’s really funny. BLACKADDER was the coolest comedy back in the day, and it still holds up remarkably well. Rowan Atkinson sits at the center of a merry cast of characters, and he’s able to mold each different iteration of Blackadder to that time period’s different cast of characters, while still managing to be a pretty big assh*le in each one. (If you haven’t seen BLACKADDER, each season of the show sees the series recast in a different time period from British history.) In this version, Blackadder is the nicest guy in London, and on Christmas Eve everyone comes in and takes advantage of his generosity, leaving him penniless. Atkinson and Tony Robinson play extremely well off each other and the episode’s funny is derived largely from their relationship.

Reason #2: The big name stars. Nearly everyone here is someone you’ll recognize: Hugh Laurie, Stephen Fry, Miranda Richardson, Jim Broadbent, Robbie Coltrane … heck even Doctor Who’s Companion Peri (Nicola Bryant) makes an appearance. Double heck, it was co-written by Richard Curtis, who you know as the guy who wrote Love Actually and “Vincent and the Doctor.”

Reason #3: This is a really well-done and executed adaptation that sees the traditional story flipped on its lid. Instead of the Scrooge character being a wretched human being that gets set straight by the Ghosts of Christmas, the Scrooge character (Blackadder) is actually the nicest guy in London. Everyone takes advantage of him, and his yearly profits of seventeen pounds and one penny walk out the door in donations on Christmas Eve. Heck, even his Christmas bird and bowl of nuts get taken away from him.

Blackadder doesn’t mind, though, as he puts a positive spin on everything. He heads to bed and he’s visited by the Spirit of Christmas (Robbie Coltrane), who just wants to pop in and pop out because Blackadder is such a nice guy there’s nothing to show him. Blackadder convinces the Spirit to do the whole deal, so he shows him scenes from the past. We see the series versions of Blackadder, and the Christmas Blackadder sees how his ancestors were rather reprehensible. Instead of thinking better of himself, however, he begins to admire them. As awful as his ancestors are, they weren’t taken advantage of the way Christmas Blackadder has been abused by the locals.

The Spirit of Christmas is horrified and doesn’t want to show Blackadder the future, but he relents and does. In one version of the future, Christmas Blackadder becomes this super space-faring bad ass; in the version where he continues to be nice, he becomes the sidekick.

So he decides to become a dick, and ends up blowing his opportunity to gain a fortune and a royal title from Queen Vic.

It’s a great inversion of the original tale, and makes for a satisfying final twist to a very satisfying special.

Be sure to check out the Holiday Review Index for all the Holiday-themed reviews to be found at Atomic Anxiety.

ALICE IN WONDERLAND: Alice Among the Assh*les

Alice in Wonderland (2010) – Directed by Tim Burton – Starring Mia Wasikowska, Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Crispin Glover, Matt Lucas, and Anne Hathaway; Featuring the Voices of Stephen Fry, Alan Rickman, Michael Sheen, Barbara Windsor, Timothy Spall, and Christopher Lee.

Every movie has a message, whether it wants to have one or not. In Tim Burton’s ALICE IN WONDERLAND, the message is this: You have to do what’s expected of you before you can do what you want. As messages go, it’s not a bad one, especially in early 21st century America, where it seems everyone is expected to either go to college, join the military, or get a low-paying, hard-working job. Societies tend to work this way; the general populace wants to watch films about individualists but they don’t want them mucking up the agreed-upon system. The hope of Burton’s message is that you have to earn your own path – but it is a path that is attainable. Just do what others want until you have enough capital to tell them you’re flying away.

It is critically important that Burton reinforces this idea at the film’s end; Alice has come back to Earth from post-apocalyptic Underland and convinces Lord Ascot, her father’s old would-be business partner, that she’s got a daring, bold plan to make them money, and he takes her on as an apprentice. The film’s final scene is Alice boarding a ship, bound for China, where she’ll be the first to open trade with that nation. (More in a moment.) Only one character that we’ve seen comes with her, and that is Absolem (the blue hookah-smoking caterpillar that comes to her now as a blue butterfly; voiced by Alan Rickman). Absolem is the only character in the film who’s primary involvement with Alice is to get her to realize her own potential.

Other than Absolem and Lord Ascot, every other character who has a major interaction with Alice wants her to do what they want and not what she wants. It could even be argued that Absolem wants Alice to know who she is so she fulfills the prophecy to fight the Jabberwocky, but at least his method is to allow her to come to her own conclusion. Both Absolem and Ascot get something from Alice’s choices (Absolem gets Underland saved, Ascot gets potentially richer), but Alice is in control of both.

Really, then, in both England and Underland, Alice is surrounded by self-serving assholes who expect her to act based on what’s best for them, whether she’s interested or not.

It’s an interesting and not wholly effective technique. While it’s nice to see a fairy tale where not only is the fantasy world just as demanding towards our hero as the real world but where the hero recognizes and resents it, the technique also makes it hard to root for Alice going along with the Underland crowd. Granted, someone has to kill the Jabberwocky, one supposes, but by the time Alice is being pressured by the White Queen you really just wish she’d toss the Vorpal Sword into a lake and tell these nutbags to sort out their own issues.

Because the only real difference between the Red Queen (Carter) and the White Queen (Hathaway) is that Her Whiteness isn’t quick with the killing. Hathaway plays her wonderfully as a flighty, passive-aggressive, off-her-rocker Queen that seems the very embodiment of being the lesser of two evils. She’s Obama to the Red Queen’s McCain, or maybe more accurately Al Gore to Red’s George W – neither of them are actual leaders, but depending on one’s point-of-view, one would certainly seem to be a little less offensive.

Nineteen year-old Alice’s pre-Underland life (or more accurately, her time in between trips to the fantasy land) sees her mother attempting to marry her off to Lord Ascot’s son, who’s rich, but a loser, and is just trying to trap Alice further into high society life. Alice’s mom isn’t an evil witch or anything (Ascot’s wife fills this role nicely), but that’s the point; it’s not just the mean that trap you, it’s the weak and meek who simply strap themselves in and ride the ride. There’s a huge scene at the Ascot estate that’s all boring dancing and society-demanded behavior. There’s a huge level of phoniness to it all, of course, as evidenced by Alice’s brother-in-law making out with someone who’s not his wife, but the overriding existence of this whole party sequence is to show us how trapped Alice is by society’s expectations.

Cool.

Burton does a good job of not overplaying the hand too much – we get the message a few times but we’re getting it from different people so it provides a sense of how completely trapped Alice is and not just that there’s a singular wicked stepmother responsible for everything bad.

But when Alice leaves Ascot’s kid on bended knee, waiting for an answer as the entire fancy pants crowd watches, you’re ready for her to jump down the rabbit hole – or the hole beneath a tree, as it’s played here – and get on with it.

Perhaps because Burton has an Alice on the verge of womanhood instead of one that’s a child, the demands of Underland’s expectations really pop in this version. Almost everything Alice does in Underland is every bit the society-driven expectation that she’s experiencing from the jerks back home.

She lands in a round room full of doors, and a vial tells her to “Drink This.” Then she finds a cake that tells her to “Eat This.” There is no explanation or hint as to the consequences of these actions because Alice is beneath whomever left the food for her to find. Alice dutifully drinks and eats and drinks again and finds herself in Underland, where the local community of greeters dismisses her as not the real Alice, even though they don’t know for sure.

She needs to be “the right Alice,” you see, because the right Alice is foretold to be the slayer of the Jabberwocky on Frabjous Day, whatever the stupid that means.

Alice has fled from a society that expects her to act a certain way only to land in a society that expects her to act a certain way.

Alice is convinced this is all a dream because if it’s not a dream then she might probably run off and leave this assholes waiting like she did the fancy pants at Ascot’s.

At this point I got frustrated with the movie and sighed loudly several times, which only succeeded in bringing Darwin into the room, looking to be taken for a walk. Which I did. Because the expectations of a dog who might soil your rug are never to be denied.

Why did I keep watching? Well, for starters, ALICE really is a beautiful movie to watch. Despite getting yet another run down fantasy world, Burton offers up a wide palette of bright, vibrant colors, which combined with visually striking fantasy creatures (some CGI, some CGI/live combos). The visuals are so good that you’ll almost forget that Burton used to be strange for a reason and not just because he can, and honestly, this is his best use of the weird since Big Fish.

Simply put, ALICE is the prettiest live action cartoon since SPEED RACER.

Underland’s animals all look amazing, from the fantastical Bandersnatch to the chess piece and playing card armies of the Queens White and Red. The backgrounds look amazing, the digital and make-up enhanced Crispin Glover and Helena Bonham Carter look great, and there is a constant shifting of colors so your eyes never get bored looking at the same palette over and over again.

You can tell real professionals put this film together and that’s worth a lot – though not nearly everything.

I’m a thousand-plus words into this reaction and I have yet to mention Johnny Depp’s Mad Hatter. Here’s why: the character is rather useless.

Of all the main characters in the film, it’s the Hatter who’s the least important. You could drop him out of this film and it wouldn’t be worse for it. That’s not a knock on Depp, who does what he can with this role, but the Hatter is neither compelling nor interesting. He used to work for the White Queen and now he doesn’t and he’s crazy. Bravely, I suppose, he’s not even crazy like a fox. He’s just weirdly nuts with his brain quick to scatter; this makes him sympathetic to Alice, but not to me because he’s using her as much as anyone else. He gets points for saving her from the Knave of Hearts (Glover) but he immediately takes her to the White Queen, though they don’t arrive.

Everyone just wants Alice to get the Vorpal Sword so she can kill the Jabberwocky because they all suck too much to do it themselves. There’s something here about how societies can be trapped by prophecies but that’s a comment about fantasy worlds more than real worlds and really, the film doesn’t do anything with it. We’re just supposed to accept it. Well, screw that, I’ve got a new story idea; thanks, Tim Burton, for not thinking too hard about the story. There’s also something here about how societies can have their spark beaten out of them by dictators, and that they can end up simply wishing for rescue instead of doing anything about it themselves, but the film doesn’t do anything with that, either.

In fact, the real big moment for the Hatter is when the Cheshire Cat helps him escape his beheading and he rallies the animals of Underland to rise up against the Red Queen. They do, and they all (like, maybe 6 of them) hurry off to the White Queen’s place, where they … well, where they try to convince Alice to do the real fighting.

Because that’s what the prophecy says.

ALICE IN WONDERLAND is totally that movie that starts out with a solid idea, sets it up reasonably well, and then the wheels don’t fall off so much as they sputter to a halt. For all the crazy, wild, strange things one finds in Underland, it would be nice to have found an engaging narrative, as well.

Alice ends up accepting her place in the prophecy, mostly because she feels bad for Hatter, I think, and she kills Christopher Lee in Jabberwocky form by beheading the big dragon thing. She actually cheezes out a “Off with your head!” before delivering the final blow, meaning maybe Tim Burton has a soft spot for those awful Joel Schumaker Batman films that came after his Michael Keaton movies.

Returning to England, Alice tells everyone off at the wedding except for Lord Ascot, whom she convinces to go off and exploit China before anyone else gets there to do it first. I guess it’s not unexpected that Alice’s reaction to being used and trapped would be to simply flip the dynamic and put herself in a position of power, but it’s a trifling turn of suck to see such an independent spirit simply buy into the existing system of colonial exploitation.

Alice’s best moment in Underland is her experiences with the Bandersnatch. When they first meet, he tries to eat her, giving her a set of nasty Wolverine-styled slashes across her arm. Mallymkun the dormouse sticks her sword into the Bandersnatch’s right eye and rips it from his head, helping to save Alice. Later, Alice takes the eye back from the mouse, who carries it around as a trophy, and gives it back to the Bandersnatch. They become uneasy allies, at first, as he allows her to steal the Vorpal Sword that he’s been protecting, but when the Red Queen’s army threatens Alice’s life, the Bandersnatch saves her.

It’s a nice arc of overcoming differences, of the monster rejecting society’s expectations to embrace his own path, but the film’s narrative drops him soon after. It’s a rare, but well-realized moment of striking out on one’s own for selfless reasons, but no one seems to notice.

Alice certainly misses the message. Maybe in the sequel, someone in China can set her straight.