SCOOBY-DOO, WHERE ARE YOU!: How Can You Have Heads and Tails on a Slice of Bologna?

Scooby-Doo: Where Are You! Episodes 22-25 – 1970 – a Hanna-Barbera cartoon – Starring Don Messick, Casey Kasem, Frank Welker, Nicole Jaffe, Heather North.

With four episodes included on disc 4 of the SCOOBY-DOO, WHERE ARE YOU! DVD collection, the first two seasons of Scooby-Doo’s existence have come to an end. Unfortunately, the episodes largely end with a whimper in four largely non-descript episodes that rely far too much on lame musical numbers. Anyone hoping for any kind of “final episode” are sure to be disappointed as there’s no discernible difference in how episode 25 operates from how episode 1 or 7 or 18 operates.

Season 2 (1970)

Episode 22: “Haunted House Hang-Up”
Monster: The Headless Spectre
Life Lesson: Honestly, if you go into a creepy, allegedly haunted house to get a bucket of water to cool down your overheating van, you pretty much deserve to be chased around by a ghost.

The gang is on their way to a rock festival when the Mystery Machine decides to crap the bed. Almost out of gas and overheating, the gang stops in at a haunted mansion to ask for some water. At this point it gets a little unbelievable that the gang doubts Shaggy and Scooby when they tell them they saw a ghost. Not that the ghosts every really turn out to be ghosts, but you’d think that Fred and Velma would welcome these pronouncements because they get off on solving these mysteries.

The silly musical numbers have run their course, too. I like Scooby-Doo for the mysteries much more than the wacky slapstick.

Episode 23: “A Tiki Scare is No Fair”
Monster: The Witch Doctor
Life Lesson: Villains like to exploit local legends for profit.

With this episode we’re back to a greater emphasis on mystery and for the one and only time all season long – NO MUSICAL CHASE SEQUENCE. There are, however, a whole lot of human skulls on pikes, which maybe isn’t the best visual for a Saturday morning, eh?

What’s most interesting about “Tiki,” however, is that it’s one of the episodes that leads you to think Velma has a thing for Shaggy. Moments like this pop up throughout the first two seasons of Scooby-Doo, and here we’ve got Velma both giving Shaggy a dig and then hula dancing right in front of him with a bikini top and grass-skirted bottom. At one point, Shaggy says, “I fell for that trick” in a self-deprecating manner and Velma replies with a curt, “Naturally,” with a tone that says she’s talking about Shaggy missing a lot more than that trick. At the end of the episode, Velma is totally presenting herself to Shaggy, but he’s too interested in eating food to notice.

Episode 24: “Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Werewolf?”
Monster: A Werewolf … who’s also a ghost
Life Lesson: Wolves eat sheep. Werewolves stick them in barrels, float them down river, and then sell them on the black market.

Not that you expect a lot of serial storytelling in a Saturday morning cartoon, but it’s nice that after almost two full seasons Shaggy finally notices that Fred is always taking the ladies when he splits the group in two to investigate a mystery. Unfortunately, that’s all this episode has going for it as it contains the two worst elements of SCOOBY-DOO, WHERE ARE YOU!: the musical chase sequence and Shaggy and Scooby play dress up to trick the enemy. Here, they pose as barbers to give the werewolf ghost a haircut.

And then we find out that the pretend werewolf is a sheep smuggler, which I’m pretty sure even kids in 1970 was lame.

Episode 25: “Don’t Fool with a Phantom”
Monster: The Wax Phantom
Life Lesson: Dance contests at failing television stations are naturally going to lead to danger.

A rather blah ending to the series. The Wax Phantom is a nice enough villain and the television station angle is a nice one, but this episode never really comes together. The prime suspect is a creepy curator at the local wax museum but he’s so obviously a villain that he’s obviously not a villain. Fred and Daphne do their herky-jerky dancing routine but then Shaggy and Scooby enter the contest as a couple, leaving Velma on the outside.

Honestly, this series should have ended with Velma going, “You know what? F*ck you guys. I’m outta here!”

And that’s it for one of the greatest, most influential American cartoons of all-time. There’s a season 3 of SCOOBY-DOO, WHERE ARE YOU! but it was made 8 years later, after several other iterations of the show had been broadcast.

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SCOOBY-DOO, WHERE ARE YOU! Review Index:
Episodes 1-7: Let’s Split Up and Search for This Ape-Man Who Eats Hamburgers
Episodes 8-13, 15: You’re the First Clam Dog I Ever Heard Of
Episodes 14, 16-21: How was the Magic Show at the High School, Freddy?
Episodes 22-25: How Can You Have Heads and Tails on a Slice of Bologna?

SCOOBY-DOO, WHERE ARE YOU!: How was the Magic Show at the High School, Freddy?

Scooby-Doo: Where Are You! Episodes 14, 16-21 – 1969-1970 – a Hanna-Barbera cartoon – Starring Don Messick, Casey Kasem, Frank Welker, Nicole Jaffe, Heather North, Indira Stefanianna.

In this collection of SCOOBY-DOO, WHERE ARE YOU! we see the shift from Season 1 to Season 2, which is notable for a different opening titles sequence and an increase in musical numbers. The musical numbers are typically just chase scenes and the songs only have something to do with the action beneath it in instances of happy coincidence. It’s a disappointing turn and the show takes a dip in quality.

Episode 14: “Go Away Ghost Ship”
Monster: Redbeard the Pirate
Life Lesson: If a ghost sword is cutting your liverwurst sword and you decided that you want to make a sandwich despite the danger present in the situation, bread slices will magically appear to accommodate you.

The most enjoyable part of this episode is how Redbeard really just flat-out enjoys screwing with everyone. He forces Shaggy and Scooby to make him some food because he needs a cook (what ghost doesn’t?) and they load it up with bogus ingredients like spider webs. When they bring it to Redbeard and tell him it’s pirate stew, he forces them to eat it. What a dick. He’s almost as annoying as Daphne who actually screams, “Oh, my hair!” as the boat they’re in is sinking

This is a really good episode, but even if it sucked you should watch it just for its cultural influence on The Venture Brothers, with Redbeard’s hideout at Skull Island.

Episode 16: “A Night of Fright is No Delight”
Monster: The Phantom Shadows
Life Lesson: If a dude named Colonel Sanders names you in his will, and promises you a million dollars if you stay the night in his haunted house, you should probably pay more attention to the “Colonel” than the “million dollars.”

Three things make this episode stand out. The first is that the Phantom Shadows are freaking awesome looking villains. The second is that there’s not one single fried chicken joke. The third is that Scooby spends the night in the “haunted” mansion and gets his money, but it turns out to be CONFEDERATE money, which is legal tender only in places that think slavery is awesome.

Episode 17: “That’s Snow Ghost”
Monster: The Snow Ghost
Life Lesson: Pretend ghosts love to hang out in abandoned saw mills.

Bonus points for taking the Mystery Machine someplace snowy and introducing the Yeti to kids, but overall a pretty ho-hum episode. Not really a big bang to the end of the season.

SEASON 2

Episode 18: “Nowhere to Hyde”
Monster: Mister Hyde
Life Lesson: Mannish serving wenches are not necessarily monsters.

Contains one of the creepiest lines in the show. The gang is hanging out at the Malt Shop (which always makes me feel awesome that they name the malt shop, “Malt Shop” and the waiter says to Mystery, Inc.’s leader, “How was the magic show at the high school, Freddy?” Why are these people hanging out at a high school. Freddy is totally a Wooderson.

With this episode we get the new opening and the new formula addition of the musical number.

Episode 19: “Mystery Mask Mix-Up”
Monster: Zen Tuo
Life Lesson: Don’t let redheads buy golden masks because creepy guys will come after you, and redheads would rather put your life at risk than give up a pretty mask to people trying to kill you.

Kind of a bland episode; the villain isn’t so hot and the show largely wastes the possibilities of Chinese New Year.

Episode 20:”Scooby’s Night with a Frozen Fright”
Monster: The Caveman
Life Lesson: If you’re a smart, blind-without-your-glasses, young woman don’t waste your time trying to get with the stoner who thinks his dog can talk.

For some reason the DVD places this episode last, but I’m putting it in its proper place. Velma wants to dance with Shaggy here but he just wants to fish. In the next episode, Shaggy jilts her at a dance when he lets Scooby cut in during Shaggy’s dance with Velma, and then dog and dude go dancing away together. This episode has a convoluted plot with a frozen cavemen and a reheated caveman and a dude who has a machine that lets him talk to dolphins. Every single person involved in the making of this episode did a ton of pot that week.

Episode 21: “Jeepers, It’s the Creeper”
Monster: The Creeper
Life Lesson: If you’re a smart, blind-without-your-glasses, young woman don’t lose your glasses when the monster is around or all your friends will totally ditch you.

I like how the gang goes to a school dance at a local farm because it gives you a glimpse of their “other” lives. Shaggy can’t wait to get to the dance so he can blow Velma off and go eat chocolate-covered corn on the cob. The Creeper looks a bit like Hyde, which makes his look a bit derivative. This is a really good episode, though, with a genuine mystery – a car that’s wrecked on the inside. There’s one horrible moment of friendship, though, when Velma loses her glasses and NO ONE HELPS HER because they’re too busy running and hiding.

Thanks, jerks.

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SCOOBY-DOO, WHERE ARE YOU! Review Index:
Episodes 1-7: Let’s Split Up and Search for This Ape-Man Who Eats Hamburgers
Episodes 8-13, 15: You’re the First Clam Dog I Ever Heard Of
Episodes 14, 16-21: How was the Magic Show at the High School, Freddy?
Episodes 22-25: How Can You Have Heads and Tails on a Slice of Bologna?

SCOOBY-DOO, WHERE ARE YOU!: You’re the First Clam Dog I Ever Heard Of

Scooby-Doo: Where Are You! Episodes 8-13, 15 (1969) – a Hanna-Barbera cartoon – Starring Don Messick, Casey Kasem, Frank Welker, Nicole Jaffe, Indira Stefanianna.

If you read the info blurb just above this, you’ll notice that it says episodes 8-13, 15. That’s because I’m watching these via the DVD release and that’s how they’re packaged. Why? Who knows, man, the universe just hates us, I guess.

In watching this show again I’m amazed at how well they hold up and how well, for the most part, the formula doesn’t get old. There are some bits that make me groan – “Would you do it for a Scooby snack?” and Velma losing her glasses chief in that regard – but for the most part these are highly enjoyable shows that keep you interested, even if you watch 4 or 5 in a row.

To repost from last time, here are the ten essential life lessons this program imparts on your kids:

1. There’s always a natural solution to a supernatural mystery.
2. The guy who comes up with intricate plans for no obvious reason is probably a douche.
3. There’s always time and room for more food.
4. Redheads are useless.
5. Nerdy girls who take off their glasses do not become hot. They become blind.
6. If you hang out with a stoner and a dog, you can always partner up with the ladies and they’ll never complain. Even if you’re a total douche.
7. Constantly traveling by van leads to bad posture. Especially when running.
8. There’s always a secret room or passageway.
9. Cops totally appreciate it when you solve their mysteries for them.
10. You can bribe stoners with dog food.

To which I think we can safely add:

11. Never trust old people. They’re not all bad, but why take the risk?

And on to the latest batch of episodes.

Episode 8: “Foul Play in Funland”
Monster: Charlie the Robot
Life Lesson: If an amusement park starts running by itself in the middle of the night with no one around, you’re allowed to ride all the rides.

This is a generally creepy kids cartoon. The gang is partying on a beach, mowing on clams, when the amusement park next door starts itself up and gets running. The group investigates and discovers it’s a robot named Charlie that’s doing everything. The two old folks, a brother and sister, who live next store also happen to be programming geniuses. Mr. Jenkins wants the robot to help run the park more efficiently while his sister disagrees. “I just don’t think robots should be at a park where kids come to have fun,” she declares, proving she’s the most anti-robot racist this side of Will Smith in I-Robot.

Episode 9: “The Backstage Rage”
Monster: The Puppetmaster
Life Lesson: “Ropes don’t cut themselves.” – Velma

Velma’s right. Ropes don’t cut themselves. This is kind of a blah episode where an old guy tries to convince us that there are ghosts about when really they’re big marionettes. Even the gang doesn’t really believe it.

Episode 10: “Bedlam in the Big Top”
Monster: The Ghost Clown
Life Lesson: Never. Trust. Clowns.

God, I hate clowns. Hate them. HATE. THEM. Creepy, creepy bastards. (Although my brain just did one of those things where it said that clowns are like the aggressive counterparts to passive mimes and now I want to write a story where clowns and mimes are raging a war across the cosmos. I will waste months writing that story.) Anyway, this is another creepy episode where this evil clown hypnotizes people when he’s not lurking menacingly on a hill overlooking the circus.

What a dick.

Episode 11: “A Gaggle of Galloping Ghosts”
Monster: A vampire, a Frankenstein, a werewolf, and a gypsy
Life Lesson: “Fortune telling is all nonsense.” – Velma. Preach it, sister.
Bonus Life Lesson for Criminals: “I’d have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for those blasted kids and that dog!”

Yup, after 10 episodes of not hearing it, “Gaggle” is the first episode where we get to hear some version of “those meddling kids!” That’s about all that’s noteworthy about this episode that neglects mystery in favor of an abundance of bad guys. The gang stops off at Franken Castle, which has been transported brick-by-brick from Transylvania and, yeah, I mean, I don’t like to say anyone is asking for trouble, but they totally were asking for trouble.

This is another one of those episodes, too, that sees Velma without her glasses. Velma without her glasses is Dumb Velma and when the show wants to kneecap the smart woman, it has her lose her glasses and go crawling around on the floor and make stupid mistakes.

Episode 12: “Scooby-Doo and a Mummy, Too”
Monster: The Mummy
Life Lesson: Liverwurst and ice cream is a delicious combination. If you’re a stoner so baked out of your mind that you think your dog is talking to you, at least.

Ancient mummy curse … mummy goes missing … people turned to stone … next!

Episode 13: “Which Witch is Which?”
Monster: a Swamp Witch and a Zombie
Life Lesson: If you are a smart woman lacking in the looks department, hang out with a hot redhead because if one of you is going to get kidnapped by a zombie and bound and gagged in a swamp, it’s not going to be you.

“Which Witch” is kind of like the late ’60s version of Destination Truth, except it’s not completely full of sh*t.* There’s a local legend about a voodoo priestess and a zombie terrorizing a swamp community. Velma says one of the most unbelievable responses in history when a local explains the voodoo/zombie thing to her and she says, “I’ve never heard of such a thing.”

What? Is this the pilot? Because you hear stuff like that every freaking week, Velma.

*Honestly, how can anyone make fun of Ghost Hunters or Jersey Shore or Glenn Beck when we’ve got Destination Truth on the air. (OK, you can still make fun of those shows.) Have you ever watched this show? They spend more time doing silly voice overs in gift shops than they do looking for completely made up crap, and they treat every crack of a twig as evidence that the Wolfman is standing ten feet from them. No one on this show actually believes they’re ever going to find Sasquatch or the Jersey Devil or the Magical Danger Fish of Guadalajara but the program is put together like this group of “adventurers” is f*cking MI-6.

And I just made the Magical Danger Fish of Guadalajara up, but I bet they go looking for it next season. Also, I’m totally jealous of the fact that these folks get to fly around the world on SyFy’s dime looking for stuff that doesn’t exist. I wonder if I can get SyFy to pay me to spend a month in Ireland looking for pots of gold.

Episode 15: “Spooky Space Kook”
Monster: The Space Kook
Life Lesson: When your hanging by your belt from a hoist high over the ground, ignore the hot redhead and go right to the brainy nerd.

In one of the best silent slams in the history of history, Fred blows off Daphne in a moment of crisis. He gets hoisted up off the ground by his belt and the gang wants to get him down. Daphne openly wonders, “What does the lever look like?” which seems like a perfectly fine question, but Fred completely ignores her and goes right to Velma. “Surely you can figure it out,” he pleads. Velma gives Fred a weak, “Mechanics aren’t my strong suit,” even though Fred is asking her to find a lever and not a mercury fluid link.

Velma can clearly find a lever, so her slam at Fred is even better than Fred’s dismissal of Daphne. Clearly, Fred and Velma have slept together at some point and she’s into him while he’s only into her when Daphne isn’t around. In a moment of crisis, though, Fred wants brains and Velma is totally letting him hang. Literally.

Good for you, Velma. Good for you.

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SCOOBY-DOO, WHERE ARE YOU! Review Index:
Episodes 1-7: Let’s Split Up and Search for This Ape-Man Who Eats Hamburgers
Episodes 8-13, 15: You’re the First Clam Dog I Ever Heard Of
Episodes 14, 16-21: How was the Magic Show at the High School, Freddy?
Episodes 22-25: How Can You Have Heads and Tails on a Slice of Bologna?