ATTACK OF THE 50 FOOT CHEERLEADER: I Think My Aorta Just Crapped Its Pants

Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader (2012) – Directed by Kevin O’Neill – Starring Jena Sims, Ryan Merriman, Treat Williams, Sasha Jackson, Olivia Alexander, Ted Raimi, Mary Woronov, Sean Young, Angelina Armani, John Landis, and Roger Corman.

Let’s talk about the intersection of fun and nudity and commerce.

In my last review, I lamented the nearly complete lack of fun exhibited by Asylum’s Bigfoot.

That is not a problem with the Roger Corman-produced ATTACK OF THE 50 FOOT CHEERLEADER. He knows why you’re tuning – you want to see a fun, ridiculous comedy about a nerdy coed who takes a drug, becomes a knock-out, and grows to fifty feet tall.

And shows her boobs.

I’m going to be honest on the last point – the movie doesn’t need it and as I get a bit older and know the hows and whys its included, it becomes a bit less fun to see young actresses taking off their tops for a shot at fame in a movie that is fun enough on its own. Please don’t mistake what I’m saying here – the discomfort comes not from nudity because I’m all for people taking their clothes off, but there is a microscopic thin line between schoolboy fantasy and cheeky sexism. There’s something a little … lecherous? skeevy? unnecessary? … about seeing actresses who haven’t fully made it in the business getting naked in a B-movie that I don’t enjoy watching as much as I used to.

It’s one of the reasons I don’t enjoy strip clubs – as much as I like looking at naked women, I can never get past the exchange that’s taking place. I haven’t earned the privilege of seeing the nudity – I’ve paid for it. Similarly, it’s likely that the stripper likely doesn’t want to show me her body as much as she wants access to my cash. I’m not making a moral judgment here as much as I am making a decision based on my own particular hang-ups concerning financial transactions. I’m sure the women in ATTACK willingly agreed to make this exchange, and one of my operating philosophies is that everyone has a right to do what they want with their own bodies, so ultimately if they’re willing to reveal it, I’m willing to take a look, but it is 2013. I’d be more comfortable with the existence of films like this if the filmmakers were just as willing to show some sausage. I’m cool with the objectification working both ways.

That would pass for progress in the B-movie world, yes?

Besides, we have the internet now, where you are a few clicks of your keyboard from seeing all manner of nudity. ATTACK contains a bit of cinematic irony in that one of the actresses in the movie is a former pornographic actress (Angelina Armani) who doesn’t get naked, while our protagonist and antagonist do. There’s something to be said for young actresses trying to make their way in the business taking their tops off, while a fellow young actress who’s moving past a career where she took everything off, stays clothed. They’re all beautiful, they’re all adults, and they can make their own decisions, but I wonder to what extent, in 2013, movies like this are really served by including nudity? Does that really make them more profitable?

I guess it does, or they wouldn’t do it, but if ATTACK didn’t have the nudity would less people really be interested in watching it?

Because as I said, ATTACK really doesn’t need it. This is a surprisingly fun film. It’s a hoot seeing people like Treat Williams, Ted Raimi, John Landis, and Roger Corman coming in and just having a good time. None of them think they’re making anything more than a fun B-movie, and if you can’t smile at Treat Williams playing a corporate scumbag saying, “I think my aorta just crapped its pants,” well, then there’s no reason to even give ATTACK a spin.

Nerdy Cassie Stratford (Jena Sims, who looks like a young Elisabeth Shue) wants to try out for the cheering squad because her mom (Sean Young) wants Cassie to be more like she was when she was a kid. Which presumably means: be a cheerleader, f*ck Kevin Costner in the back of a limo, and break into Tim Burton’s office dressed as Catwoman. Cassie is a brilliant scientist, but she’s also got zits on her face and wears big glasses, so obviously she sucks at being a cheerleader. When she tries out for the cheer squad, head cheerleader Brittany (Olivia Alexander) is totally mean to her because head cheerleaders either have to be a total b*tch or Kirsten Dunst.

She’s working on a scientific formula with Kyle (Ryan Merriman) and under the oversight of Dr. Higgs (Ted Raimi). Treat Williams is providing the funding in the hopes of finding a way to make people healthier by reasons of scientific mumbo jumbo. Seeing positive, albeit early, results on the lab rat, Cassie decides to inject the formula, and the result is that she becomes ridiculously hot, good at cheerleading, and a bit of a b*tch.

Movies like ATTACK revel in recycling old formulas and types, of course, so if you’re hot, you kinda have to be a b*tch. What’s unfortunate is that when we get to the end of the movie and our super tall Cassie and Brittany get shrunken back down by having the formula neutralized, Cassie still gets to remain hot while Brittany has to end up about 3 feet tall. It’s a cheap shot and while the moral of the story is a good one – that if you are yourself you’re rewarded and if you’re a b*tch you’re punished – it’s not a fun punishment to see Brittany reduced to a physical joke in front of her teammates.

Cassie’s journey from nerd to giant to normative hottie is a fun trip, though. My issues with the way nudity is used here aren’t enough to detract from the enjoyment. ATTACK is the kind of movie I used to hope would come on “Skinemax” when I was 15 and it was 2:30 in the morning, and so I suppose the film gets some bonus nostalgia points, but are 15 year old kids watching pay cable really the audience here? I wish we had gotten more of a relationship between Kyle and Jett (Sasha Jackson), because they’re the best parts of the film and while Cassie is busy getting tall and caring only about herself, they’re actually concerned about her.

I wish more professional critics would review and appreciate movies like ATTACK OF THE 50 FOOT CHEERLEADER. The B-movie is as much a part of the 2013 movie industry as foreign art house films, and it’s nice to see that at 86, Roger Corman can still produce a schoolboy fantasy that’s this much fun.

GALAXY OF TERROR: You Were Marvelous in That Film Where the Giant Maggot F*cked The Girl

Galaxy of Terror (1981) – Directed by Bruce D. Clark – Starring Edward Albert, Erin Moran, Robert Englund, Ray Walston, Sid Haig, Zalman King, Taafe O’Connell, Jack Blessing, and Grace Zabriskie.

The quote in the title of this review does not come from the movie itself, but from the engaging “making of” documentary included as a special feature on the GALAXY OF TERROR DVD release. Robert Englund was talking about being at a release party for some other film when he was approached by someone he thought my be a high-and-mighty East Coast critic. “Are you Robert England?” the man asked in what I think was Englund’s attempt at doing a British accent.

“Yes, yes, I’m Robert Englund.”

“You were marvelous in that film where the giant maggot f*cked that girl.”

And that’s kind of how GALAXY OF TERROR has come to be known – that film where Taafe O’Connell gets raped by a giant maggot … and likes it. I’m not saying that’s a dumb way to remember GALAXY because, let’s face it, when a giant maggot gets freaky with a cute blonde girl, you might not be into it, but you ain’t gonna forget it. I’m not asking people to not think about the maggot-f*cking scene, but I am saying that if that’s the only people think about GALAXY, that’s a shame because this is a pretty darn good, serious B-movie. Yeah, there’s some cheesy special effects, and yes, the script and the acting isn’t what you’d find in a major studio picture with a massive budget, but for a Roger Corman B-movie made on the relative fly, GALAXY OF TERROR is a darn good film.

In fact, the way I think about GALAXY is ALIEN 1.5, and perhaps the bulk of the credit for that goes to Production Designer James Cameron. One of the best parts of the “making of” doc is that Roger Corman is such a great interview, coming clean about what kind of movie he was making and where his films sit in the industry. He fully admits that GALAXY was made to capitalize on Ridley Scott’s ALIEN, and thanks to Cameron’s involvement, the film also resonates strongly with ALIENS.

That makes GALAXY a rather unique B-movie, I think, in that it’s a riff on one movie and points the direction for that movie’s sequel. Sure, that’s largely because of Cameron, but that doesn’t change what it is.

Like ALIENS, GALAXY is a rescue mission. On the planet Morganthus, a crashed spaceship is attacked by the unseen bad guy. Back on the main planet, two weird people are playing electronic chess or something. One of them is an old woman who says spooky things and then disappears from the narrative. The other is “the Master,” but he’s not this Master or this Master, but a dude with a glowing red ball of light for his face. The Master decides to send a rescue ship out to Morganthus, which brings us to the crew of the Quest.

The ship is led by Captain Trantor (Grace Zabriskie), who was the captain of a previous ship that suffered some huge disaster. It’s hard to see why anyone could think this was, in any way, her fault, since she’s high-strung, a bit crazy, sexually strokes the ship’s computer, and says things like, “The Master sends meat but the Devil sends chefs.” GALAXY isn’t a movie where the captain is the main protagonist, however, and while the crew goes out to do their investigation, Captain Trantor stays behind to go a little crazy.

GALAXY benefits from having a really solid cast: Edward Albert plays Cabren, who emerges as the protagonist; Erin Moran plays Alluma, the ship’s empath; Ray Walston plays Kore, the ship’s cook; Robert Englund is Ranger, an unimaginatively named crewman; Zalman King, as Baelon, the rescue team’s leader; Sid Haig as Quuod, another crewman with a name so awkward that you can see why they just called Englund’s character, “Ranger,”; Taafie O’Connell is Dameia, the tech officer who goes on the rescue mission just so the maggot has someone to f*ck; and Jack Blessing as Cos, the rookie.

Everyone goes on the mission just so they can face their biggest fears and get killed. Well, Cabren survives, but the rest of them get killed. Their fears are mostly just an excuse to show gross things happening, but there is a real psychological foundation for all of their fears, which is a step the film didn’t have to take.

And no, Dameia’s fear isn’t to get f*cked by a giant maggot. Instead, she has a double fear of worms and sex, and the film just takes it from there. What caused a bit of trouble with the MPAA was that, by the end of the scene, Dameia is enjoying what starts as rape, and dies because her orgasm was just that powerful.

What’s impressive about GALAXY is that, for a B-movie, it looks phenomenal. If you get the DVD, you have to watch the “Tales from the Lumberyard” feature to hear all the stories of how the film was made (and try to figure out whether everyone thought James Cameron was a bigger talent or a bigger assh*le). The impressive hallways are actually partially constructed out of Styrofoam containers from Burger King that the crew stole out of the trash after the fast food joint closed for the night. One of the hallways was so impressive that it was allegedly rented out to a foreign watch manufacturer for an ad that allowed Corman to recoup his financial investment.

The sets are great, the effects are really good, and the feel of GALAXY is totally right. Yeah, there’s some missteps (especially with the dialogue), and the ending is a bit of unnecessary psycho-babble, but at least there’s some psycho-babble here to serve as a foundation for all the dismemberment and maggot-f*cking.

If you’re in the mood for a B-movie that’s actually a solid movie in its own right, check out GALAXY OF TERROR. If you just want to see something lurid and crazy, then check out GALAXY for the maggot f*cking, and stick around for a decent movie.

BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS: Live Fast, Fight Well, and Have a Beautiful Ending

Battle Beyond the Stars (1980) – Directed by Jimmy T. Murakami – Starring Richard Thomas, Robert Vaughn, George Peppard, John Saxon, Darlanne Fluegel, Sybil Danning, Sam Jaffe, Jeff Corey, and Julia Duffy.

Is there any B-movie with a more celebrated cast and crew than BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS?

George Peppard, Robert Vaughn, John Saxon, Sybil Danning, Sam Jaffe, and John Boy all have prominent roles, and Julia Duffy is knocking around in a small role. Behind the camera, not only is BATTLE a Roger Corman film, but future A-list talent James Cameron, Gale Anne Hurd, and James Horner all had a hand in the production. Even better, BATTLE was written by John Sayles. That’s major talent wrapped up in a movie designed to be an interstellar update of Akira Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai.

So, obviously, BATTLE is the greatest B-movie ever, yes?

Well, no.

Just no.

This is not to say that BATTLE is without value; I watched it as a kid and it must have made some kind of impression on me because I remember their crazy-ass ship that looks like a giant slug mated with a giant hammerhead shark that produced a giant ship with two big boobs out front. I remember that George Peppard was in it, too, because when I was a kid there was little cooler than The A-Team. I’m willing to concede that, perhaps, with all of this talent assembled, my expectations are raised too high.

But I don’t think so.

There are a few problems that derail BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS. The first is the script. Told in a simple three part structure – Shad (Richard Thomas) recruits whomever he can find to help his planet defend himself against the evil Sador (John Saxon), the mercenaries hang out on Akir and get to know the locals, and then the big final space battle – the script feels so desperate to pastiche Seven Samurai/Magnificent Seven that it has no soul of its own. There is a story here and there is a character arc for Shad, as he goes from being a normal member of a non-aggressive, agrarian society to its new leader, a man willing to fight to protect his home world, but its clumsily told and forced.

As Shad gets into the banana slugged hammerhead with boobs ship and goes out into the stars to look for help, he runs across some zany characters and has the briefest of interludes with them before they agree to sign up. There’s Nanelia (Darlanne Fluegel), the daughter of a crazy old cyborg who wants to trap Shad on his spaceship so he can mate with his daughter.

Creepiest dad ever? Yup.

Shad escapes and Nanelia follows along in a different ship. She gets captured by Cayman (Morgan Woodward), a lizard man slaver who agrees to join the cause because he hates Sador. Shad goes on to recruit Space Cowboy (Peppard), a, um, space cowboy who’s name is, literally, “Space Cowboy,” Gelt (Vaughn), the universe’s most deadly assassin who’s made enemies everywhere, five clones who wear white clothes and paint their faces white, and Saint Exim (Danning), a Valkyrie warrior.

Each of these recruitment scenes is over in a flash, and that could work to the film’s advantage if it had any kind of stylistic visual flair, but it doesn’t. Sayles’ script gets a few good lines in here and there, but BATTLE is a film that simply goes from scene to scene, telling its tale with straightforward, flat storytelling.

Another problem is that the film doesn’t take advantage of its actors. It’s sort of amazing to me that Corman could get Peppard, Vaughn, and Saxon to show up for BATTLE but then not take advantage of any of them. Peppard’s job is to look at the ground when he’s talking, take off his hat, and sound like he doesn’t want to do what he’s doing. Vaughn’s job is to sit there in a silly black costume and look like Robert Vaughn. Saxon’s job is to wear silly make-up and make threats. And Danning’s job is to have big boobs and talk about how she loves to fight. If any of this was directed with some skill, it could work, but it doesn’t.

BATTLE gets labeled a Star Wars knock-off because it came out three years after Star Wars, but there’s honestly not a whole lot of Lucas’ film here. (At least not in that sense of the “mockbusters” that a come out around the time of “blockbusters” to capitalize on their popularity; clearly the film is aware of Star Wars.) The strongest link between the two film is in the main characters, as Richard Thomas’ Shad and Mark Hamill’s Luke Skywalker are both farm boys who head out into the stars and have wacky adventures with crazy-looking aliens. Like Hamill, Thomas is far from the most charismatic actor in the shop, but unlike Hamill, Thomas isn’t in a movie that uses this to its advantage. Luke gets carried along for much of Star Wars – yeah, he wants to go to space, but he’s largely a passenger on that journey who slowly becomes a more confident and more active character. In BATTLE, however, Shad is the most active character right from the start, which requires more personality than Thomas can deliver.

At the end of the day, though, BATTLE knows that it’s a B-movie and as such, just wants to be an entertaining. It’s one of those movies that you’re unlikely to want to watch five or six times, but you should probably see it once. As I said, there’s a lot of talent here and the film’s decision to win you over by constantly throwing everything at the screen is admirable, in its own way. There are some good moments here, too, both silly (like when Space Cowboy makes himself a drink by pouring his scotch and soda out of containers on his utility belt) and real (like when Gelt explains to two kids why he’s a bad man). Horner’s music and Cameron’s special effects are both solid.

I wish BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS was better and that it properly took advantage of its assembled talent. Peppard delivers his lines like he knows they’re stupid, Vaughn delivers his like he’s doing a favor for his untalented nephew’s first film, and Saxon delivers his like he he knows its a Saturday morning cartoon come to life. The most damning thing I can say about BATTLE is that it never really feels like a movie; it just feels like a product and while it could have turned out a lot worse, it could also have been a lot better. Not quite good enough to be mediocre, BATTLE is nonetheless a film every sci-fi fan should probably see once. If nothing else, the assemblage of talent and the throw-everything-against-the-wall nature of the narrative should get you through one sitting.