SHREK THE THIRD: If You Think This Whole Mad Scene Ain’t Dope, I Feel You, Dude

Shrek the Third (2007) – Directed by Chris Miller and Raman Hui – Starring Mike Myers, Cameron Diaz, Eddie Murphy, Antonio Banderas, Julie Andrews, John Cleese, Rupert Everett, Eric Idle, and Justin Timberlake.

Ugh.

I don’t quite hate the movie but I do actively dislike it. SHREK THE THIRD is a film almost entirely devoid of heart and sorely lacking in any genuine emotion. Watching the film is like attending your 10th high school reunion and having to deal with the high school wise ass spit the same insults he was using a decade ago – only now it’s tinged with a pathetic stink of him remaining trapped in time while the rest of the world spun on.

That’s SHREK THE THIRD, a film where old jokes and routines are recycled one more time, only this time the emphasis isn’t on the genuine heart that served as the previous two movies’ foundation, but on the smarmy jokes. The worst part of THE THIRD comes early on, when Shrek (Mike Myers), Fiona (Cameron Diaz), Donkey (Eddie Murphy), Puss in Boots (Antonio Banderas), and Queen Lillian (Julie Andrews) gather around the deathbed of King Harold (John Cleese). Harold’s death is played largely for laughs as he does a Bugs and Elmer routine where he dies, then comes back, then dies.

Blah. It’s not funny and it creates a horrible disconnect between what the characters are going through – this is Fiona’s dad and Lillian’s husband, after all – and what the audience is supposed to get out of the scene, which is a few laughs.

Because Far Far Away is ridiculously patriarchal, Shrek is in line to be the next ruler, instead of either Lillian or Fiona. In order to continue the “Shrek doesn’t believe himself capable of doing something emotional” bit, they compound Harold’s death with Fiona’s pregnancy to upset Shrek’s real desire to simply go back to the swamp and fart mud bubbles. Far Far Away is so patriarchal that for Shrek to get out of being King he’s got to hop in a ship and go looking for Arthur, some distant relation who is obviously not real tight with the family. Shrek immediately goes on this quest because he’s an assh*le. Upon Harold’s death, his immediate reaction is not, “Hey, what can I do to help my wife and my mother in law get through this awful time?,” but “How can I shirk any potential responsibilities coming my way?”

The entire premise of the movie, then, hinges on Shrek being a selfish dick who’s so desperate to get out doing anything that doesn’t match his lazy-ass worldview that he leaves his grieving wife in order to lie to a teenager so the kid can bear all the responsibility that Shrek doesn’t want.

Bogus.

There’s not a lot more I want to say about SHREK THE THIRD. I’m so turned off by the opening 30 minutes that the last hour is poisoned. It doesn’t help that the subplot involving famous princesses (Snow White, Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, and Mabel the Ugly Stepsister) is unwatchable because of their spoiled nature. Nor does it help that Arthur (Justin Timberlake) is unlikable, or that Donkey and Puss are forced into a tired, body switching routine. SHREK THE THIRD joins Spider-Man 3 and X-Men: The Last Stand as one of the biggest third act disappointments in cinematic history.

SOUTH PARK: BIGGER, LONGER, & UNCUT: ‘Cause Movies Teach Us What Our Parents Don’t Have Time to Say

South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut (1999) – Directed by Trey Parker – Starring Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Mary Kay Bergman, Isaac Hayes, George Clooney, Brent Spiner, Dave Foley, Minnie Driver, and Eric idle.

There are not five movies in existence that I have seen more times than SOUTH PARK: BIGGER, LONGER, & UNCUT.

It’s one of my go-to movies, and I give it a spin for a whole host of reasons: because I’m in a good mood, because I’m in a crappy mood, because I’m raging against something, because I’m celebrating something, because I want to laugh … and on and on. And every time I watch it, I get drawn right back in.

If you’ve been hanging around the Anxiety for any length of time, you know I don’t like Top Ten lists. Top Ten lists are the epitome of transitory thinking, but they’re heralded as definitive statements. I have no faith in reading them and no desire to make them. That said, I’m not unaware of films that I really like and when pressed I can can create one. I mention all of this for the following reason:

If I were to make such lists, BIGGER, LONGER, & UNCUT would make the Top Ten lists for my all-time favorite animated films, my all-time favorite comedies, and my all-time favorite musicals.

Which should pretty much tell you this is one of my all-time favorite movies.

UNCUT successfully transitions the residents of South Park, Colorado onto the big screen because it never pretends it isn’t a movie; that is, Trey Parker and Matt Stone aren’t simply making you pay to watch the TV show on a bigger screen. UNCUT is a conceived and executed as an actual film, and brilliantly, Parker and Stone have chosen to fill all of these extra minutes with songs.

And they’re good songs. Heck, they’re bloody brilliant songs.

More than anything, it’s UNCUT’s songs that get me coming back over and over again. Catchy, clever, sometimes vulgar and raunchy, Trey Parker and Marc Shaiman’s songs are top notch, offering as many quality sing-a-longs and toe tappers as any musical down through the years. “Blame Canada” got the Oscar nomination (it lost to a Phil Collins song from Tarzan), but “Mountain Town,” “Uncle F*cka,” “It’s Easy, Mmmkay?,” “Kyle’s Mom’s a B*tch,” “What Would Brian Boitano Do?,” “Up There,” and “La Resistance” are all winners and they display a compelling mix of styles and lyrics.

“Mountain Town” starts as a quiet solo from Stan Marsh, but as he moves through the town he’s singing about to pick up his three friends Kenny, Kyle, and Cartman so they can go see the new Terrance and Phillip movie Asses of Fire, he also picks up singers as the song builds into an ensemble piece about life in the “quiet, redneck town.” I love how the song is decidedly upbeat; the lyrics of the verses enforce this positive vibe, while the seemingly negative connotations of the words in the chorus come off as loving and self-deprecating, acknowledging the negative aspects of their town but also loving the town for it.

The song also acknowledges the power of cinema, as the kids sing, “Off to the movies we will go / Where we learn everything that we know / ‘Cause the movies teach us what our parents don’t have time to say,” and what the kids learn from Asses of Fire is how to swear in amazingly creative ways. Soon, most of the kids at school have seen the film and those that have are using the words freely. Too freely, it turns out, as Cartman ends up swearing a few too many times at Mr. Garrison. This leads to their parents being called in, which leads to their moms forming the “Mothers Against Canadians” (M.A.C.) group, which ends up leading the United States to declare war on Canada.

It’s an insightful bit of the parents playing the blame game, while not completely dismissing the influence movies have on people. Parker and Stone aren’t saying that movies should be held blameless (Asses of Fire is rated R and the kids have to get a homeless man to buy them their tickets), but that the mothers’ reaction to the kids foul language goes completely overboard. Instead of blaming their kids, or blaming this individual movie, Kyle’s mom leads the charge to, well, as the song says, “Blame Canada.”

As the two neighboring nations prepare for, there’s another plot taking shape down in Hell, where Satan is readying to attack the surface if the blood of the captured Terrance and Phillip is spilled, as planned. (The U.S. military is going to execute them.) Satan’s got his own problems to deal with as his lover, the deceased Saddam Hussein, is turning out to be an incredible dick. Saddam is emotionally abusive towards Satan, wanting only to have sex and get ready to take over the world when they ascend.

Satan is a highly emotional dude. (At one point he’s in bed with Saddam reading a book entitled, Saddam is from Mars, Satan is from Venus.) He gets advice from the deceased Kenny, who tells him he has to man up, but he lets Saddam off the hook, believing Saddam’s song and dance number, “I Can Change” to be sincere. “I Can Change” is a decent enough song, but it’s Satan’s song, “Up There,” that’s the real emotional powerhouse of the second half of the film. Satan years to live “up there,” on the surface, where he believes he could find happiness.

Stan, Kyle, and Cartman form La Resistance to counter M.A.C. and they plan on … making prank phone calls. There are plenty of moments scattered throughout UNCUT where you’re reminded that for all the shots the film makers are taking, these are still kids. Stan wants to form La Resistance because Wendy is hanging out with Gregory, a new kid who’s very political. When Stan, Kyle, and Cartman get the kids to come out to their secret meeting, Stan’s big plan is to make prank calls and order pizza for unsuspecting targets. It’s Gregory who comes up with the plan, though Stan insists they’ll be taking the risks.

The rescue attempt goes awry and Kyle’s mom kills Terrance and Phillip, allowing Satan and Saddam to rise up and start a war of three armies. Cartman saves the day when his V-Chip malfunctions. The chip was put in his head under the orders of M.A.C. and gives him a shock whenever he says a naughty word. When the chip malfunctions during the war, he realizes he can shoot the shock energy at people. To stop Saddam, he unleashes a whole string of filthy words.

Satan repays Kenny by granting him a wish and he chooses to have everything go back to the way it was before the war. This means he’s still dead, but now he gets to go to Heaven, where big-boobed, naked angels wait for him.

SOUTH PARK: BIGGER, LONGER, & UNCUT is a hilarious, dirty, rousing animated musical. It contains a whole slew of repeatable one-liners: “Hmmm … sorry, I don’t have any Jewish candy,” “I don’t listen to hip-hop,” and “Kick the baby!” and it offers up plenty of sharp social critiques. It is definitively one of my favorite movies.

THE TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE: You Got the Touch!

Transformers: The Movie (1986) – Directed by Nelson Shin – Starring Peter Cullen, Eric Idle, Judd Nelson, Leonard Nimoy, Robert Stack, Lionel Stander, Scatman Crothers, Frank Welker, Casey Kasem, Susan Blu, and Orson Welles.

In 1986, TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE was just about the coolest thing ever.

In 2012, it’s still pretty darn awesome.

When I saw THE MOVIE in the theaters, I was stunned. That big ship just ate a planet! Autobots DIED! Spike said, “Sh*t!” Megatron was turned into Unicron’s b*tch and got turned into Galvatron!

But nothing compared to the death of Optimus Prime. By the time Optimus (Peter Cullen) passes the Autobot Matrix of Leadership to Ultra Magnus (Robert Stack) on his deathbed, we’ve already seen Megatron (Frank Welker) kill Ironhide (also Peter Cullen) at point blank range. The Decepticons intercept an Autobot ship headed from Cyberton to Autobot City on Earth and kill everyone on board. Clinging to life, Ironhide weakly crawls towards Megatron to stop him. Megatron looks down and with utter disdain remarks, “Such heroic nonsense” and then blasts Ironhide in the face with his arm-mounted cannon. We don’t actually see Ironhide getting blown to bits, but the intent is clear and it sets up the violence to come.

The opening 25 minutes of THE MOVIE are among the coolest sequences in cinematic history. It’s all-out war between the Autobots and Decepticons that ranges from Cyberton to Earth. Scores of Autobots get eviscerated. The Decepticons show intelligence and ruthlessness. We get to see a veritable who’s who of the Transformers universe. And unlike the live-action Michael Bay movies, you can actually tell these robots apart because the animators believe in things like color and individuality.

It’s this opening sequence that sees Optimus and Megatron have their final battle and it’s a doozy as the two leaders throw down in Autobot City. It’s an evenly matched affair until Prime gets the advantage and knocks Megatron to the ground. Megatron then proceeds to beg for mercy as he crawls towards a gun hidden out of sight. That’s when Hot Rod (Judd Nelson) interferes. The poor whippersnapper is trying to do the right thing, but he just ends up giving Megatron the advantage he needs to hit Optimus with enough laser blasts to cause his demise.

These opening 25 minutes move fast and hard, and they look amazing in that awesome mid-80s Toei animation style. Hair metal music (and Weird Al’s “Dare to Be Stupid”) fills the soundtrack. While I’m continuously worried that these elements will make THE MOVIE feel dated, it’s given it a sense of timelessness, instead, although that might actually be a form of masquerading nostalgia for my early teenage years.

The remainder of the movie sees a new cast of Autobots battling the Decepticons: Ultra Magnus, Hot Rod, Arcee (Susan Blu), Kup (Lionel Stander), and Springer (Neil Ross) step to the fore, joined by some old faces like the Dinobots. Megatron and some other injured Decepticons are dumped from Astrotrain (seriously, it’s a train that’s also a rocket ship – one of the coolest Transformer vehicles) in the middle of space, and captured by Unicron (Orson Welles, in his last screen role) and transformed into new Tranformers that work for him. Megatron becomes Galvatron (Leonard Nimoy) and given a mission to destroy the Autobot Matrix of Leadership, the one and only thing in the universe that can destroy his large self.

What’s impressive is that even with the majority of familiar faces gone and presumed dead, the movie is still really entertaining. In large part, this is because the film keeps everything moving at breakneck speed. Hardly a scene or two goes by without some new conflict for our heroes to overcome or some new potential toy to grace the screen: Wreck-Gar (Eric Idle) and the Junkions, Sharkticons, and the Quintessons.

Maybe because I grew up with the Transformers as being both cartoon and toy, I wasn’t bothered then and I’m not bothered now by all of these new characters being an excuse to get me to buy new toys. Know why? Because I liked buying toys. As much as it sucked to see Prime die, and Jazz (Scatman Crothers, also in his last film role) and Bumblebee (Dan Gilvezan) getting sucked into Unicron and sitting the movie out, the story here was solid enough to keep me involved. None of the new Autobots are all that engaging or cool looking, but the sheer force of the plot and diversity of Transformers keeps me entertained.

Plus, it’s wholly rewarding to watch a Transformers movie where the stars are, you know, the Transformers. While we get Spike and Daniel Witwicky here, we don’t get a lot of them. They’re characters that are part of the story, not the story itself.

Everything build towards the final battle, which sees Hot Rod versus Galvatron. During the fight, he becomes the Optimus-prophesized hero and becomes the new Autobot leader: Rodimus Prime. (Rodimus Prime? Seriously? Sounds like he should be making movies with Kayden Kross and Asa Akira instead of leading the Autobots.)

The toy angle isn’t just a cheap joke, either. (The porn crack was a cheap joke. Keep up.) THE MOVIE takes place between Seasons 2 and 3 of the cartoon, and they Hasbro wanted to use the film to get rid of discontinued toys and introduce the new line. According to the Never Wrong:

“One of the intentions of the movie was to rid the Transformers cartoon universe of the majority of characters from Seasons 1 and 2. Story consultant Flint Dille elaborated: ‘In the next season (3), we were going to have all these new characters, and people are going to be wondering what happened to the old characters that they liked so much. What we knew, in a business sense, is that they had been discontinued, because they were the 1984/1985 (toy)line – but, we needed to tie them off. So, we had this one scene where the Autobots basically had to run through a gauntlet of Decepticons. Which basically wiped out the entire ’84 product line in one massive ‘charge of the light brigade.’ So, whoever wasn’t discontinued, stumbled to the end. That scene didn’t make it into the finished movie. But if you think kids were locking themselves in the bedroom over Optimus Prime, basically in that scene they would’ve seen their entire toy collection wiped out.”

Ha ha ha! Stupid ki- wait! I was one of those kids. Dick.

As a movie, however, TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE is as cool now as it was then. Whenever TV properties gets transported to the big screen, filmmakers often struggle with how to make the story feel “big” to deserve the move. The makers of this film do a bang-up job of making THE MOVIE feel big and important and epic. Clearly, the stakes are raised here, and the added inclusion of hair metal songs (Stan Bush’s “The Touch,” Lion’s version of The Transformers’ theme song, Spectre General’s “Hunger”) make THE MOVIE feel both familiar and different from the animated series.

TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE might have been made to sell toys, but it’s a darn good movie, too.

Also, for those who want “The Touch”: