HARD TARGET: Good Whiskey Make Jackrabbit Slap De Bear!

Hard Target (1993) – Directed by John Woo – Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Yancy Butler, Lance Henriksen, Arnold Vosloo, Kasi Lemmons, Chuck, Pfarrer, and Wilford Brimley.

I love this movie.

HARD TARGET is pretty much the perfect B-movie action film. There’s an insanely talented director teaming up with a solid action star in an easy-to-follow story with plenty of cool action sequences. Is that not enough for you? Okay, we’ve got a ridiculous greasy mullet, Lance Henriksen angrily calling somebody a buffalo, plenty of slow-mo, Arnold Vosloo, a horribly miscast Yancy Butler, effectively used slo-mo, and Wilfred Brimley speaking Cajun.

Let me repeat that last part: WE HAVE WILFORD BRIMLEY SPEAKING CAJUN!

All other arguments are, as the saying goes, now invalid because, as Mr. Brimley so eloquently puts it, “Mopofeesopotone!”

I think.

Does it matter?

HARD TARGET was John Woo’s first American film, and reports are that he originally wanted Kurt Russell is this sort-of remake of The Most Dangerous Game. Truthfully, I would have preferred Russel to Jean-Claude Van Damme but Woo uses Van Damme here as well as any director possibly could and, truthfully, this is a better movie because of him. Woo has Van Damme speak little which adds to the overall effect when he does talk, and Woo’s highly-stylized camera work and editing work beautifully with Van Damme’s style of punching and kicking (lots of spinning around leg sweeps and kicks to the face, mostly).

Set in New Orleans, Emil Fouchon (Lance Henriksen) arranges live, human hunts through the city to wealthy hunters who want the challenge of killing humans. The hunted are recruited from the city’s homeless population, favoring military vets to make it more of a challenge. Fouchon and his right hand man, Pik Van Cleef (Vosloo) oversee the hunt, and as the film opens, they’re tracking Douglas Binder (Chuck Pfarrer). The deal made with the homeless vets is that if they reach the bridge at the other end of the city, they’ll walk away with their life and $10,000. Binder doesn’t make it, and a little while later, his daughter Natasha (Butler) arrives looking for him.

I like Yancy Bulter but she’s not right for the part of Natasha, which calls for someone who can play afraid and confused and weepy at a higher level. With Butler, I’m expecting her to jump right into the action, but she spends the first half of the movie looking unsure of herself and unable to do anything without someone helping her.

She goes to the cops for help, but Detective Mitchell (Kasi Lemmons) can only do so much and Butler pouts and storms off. She ends up in the same diner as Chance Boudreaux (Van Damme), who saves her when some local thugs want to rough her up after she exits. Natasha wants him to help her find her dad but he refuses. Chance is a seaman but his card has been temporarily revoked because he roughed up the wrong captain, so he agrees to help her for the exact amount of money he needs to get reinstated with the union.

This leads to an inevitable confrontation with Fouchon and Van Cleaf, who decide that they’ve overstayed their welcome in New Orleans and will leave once they kill Chance. Insert lots of fighting and chasing. The fights are solid, but the real joy is in watching Fouchon lose his cool. Henriksen is amazing in HARD TARGET, and when he starts losing his sh*t, the film gets really good. “You are a f*cking buffalo!” he yells at one of his hunters when the chase for Boudreaux hits the swamps.

There’s a perfect mix of fantastic and ridiculous action, which helps to keep the film from falling into a rut. On the fantastic end, we’ve got a warehouse full of discarded Mardi Gras floats, and Chance descends from the ceiling on a swan, shooting at Fouchon’s men with his shotgun. On the ridiculous end, we’ve got Chance punching out a venomous snake. Good stuff.

Chance eventually makes his way to his uncle’s house, and that’s where we get Wilford Brimley and his Cajun accent. No one dislikes having Wilford Brimley around in this film, except for the poor horse that has to cart him around.

HARD TARGET does an excellent job with a simple narrative, continually comparing Fouchon’s wealth with Chance’s poverty, which ends with Boudreaux answering Fouchon’s question of why he’s gotten involved by saying, “Poor people get bored, too.” It’s a clever line, but not a truthful one, as Chance was clearly involved to get his money to go to sea, and then at some point to help Natasha, and at another point to get revenge for Detective Mitchell being gunned down.

I’ve watched this movie a whole lot over the years and I never get tired of it. Woo and Van Damme have both had a checkered career in America, with more misses than hits in their filmography, but HARD TARGET is some of the best work both men have produced on these shores.

THE MUMMY RETURNS: No Harm Ever Came From Opening a Chest

The Mummy Returns (2001) – Directed by Stephen Sommers – Starring Brendan Fraser, Rachel Weisz, John Hannah, Freddie Boath, Oded Fehr, Arnold Vosloo, Patricia Velásquez, Alun Armstrong, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Shaun Parkes, and Dwayne Johnson.

It is to the credit of Stephen Sommers, Brendan Fraser, Rachel Weisz, Oded Fehr, John Hannah, and Arnold Vosloo that THE MUMMY RETURNS retreads so many aspects of THE MUMMY and yet remains so highly enjoyable.

Without question, RETURNS sacrifices character development for pyrotechnics, and without question, Rick and Evelyn O’Connell (Fraser and Weisz), Evey’s brother Jonathan (Hannah), and Ardeth Bay (Fehr), are back to redo some of their classic bits, but things have changed just enough in the status of the characters that most of the film still feels fresh and fun. Evey is now full of confidence, and Rick is a bit more cautious.

As their adventure opens, they’re excavating a sight in Thebes. They find the Bracelet of Anubis, which looks like a big honking gold scorpion. We know from the prologue that this object symbolizes the Scorpion King (Dwayne Johnson, back when he was still paying Vince McMahon to call himself “The Rock”) and we know from the people who show up ready to kill the O’Connells for it that it’s valuable for more than being shiny and pretty. These lackeys fail (there’s three of them and they serve as kind of an evil version of the three American cowboys in THE MUMMY) and the O’Connells return home to their big, fancy London estate with the bracelet.

There’s also a new addition to the family this time around in their son, Alex (Freddie Boath), a pre-teen kid who’s equal parts brilliant and bratty.

When I saw they’d added a kid, I had that same, “Ugh” reaction I always have when a kid gets added to the cast of a movie or show. Kids generally get in the way and muck things up, but just as my doubt in THE MUMMY was unwarranted, so was my doubt in Alex O’Connell, who proves to be one of the very best in any sequel. Alex is full of attitude, but it’s completely tempered by a sense of joy at the life he’s getting a chance to lead. He’s brilliant enough that when his dad scolds him for not waiting at the temple entrance, and tells him to “go build a better mousetrap,” Alex actually goes back to the entrance and builds a mousetrap.

Alex is insatiably curious, and so when they return to London, he can’t wait to crack open the chest that holds the Bracelet of Anubis and pop the scorpion on his wrist. When he does, he starts the clock ticking on the return of the Scorpion King, and Alex has seven days to reach the pyramid in the oasis of Ahm Shere. I’m sure this would have made a nice, quiet family trip, but the bad guys show up and kidnap Alex and steal him away.

Who are the bad guys, exactly? Well, there’s a couple layers of lackeys at play here. First, we’ve got those three henchmen. Next up the ladder is Baltus Hafez (Alun Armstrong), the curator of the British Museum that’s wanted to hire Evey, bad-ass Lock-Nah (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje), and Mela Nais (Patricia Velásquez), who looks exactly like Imhotep’s lover, Anck-Su-Namun. (When Imhotep comes back, he says she’s the physical reincarnation of Anck-Su-Namun, and then later he brings her soul back to complete the reincarnation.) These three want to raise Imhotep (Vosloo) from the dead so he can defeat the Scorpion King, and they can take control of the Army of Anubis and conquer whatever it is they want to conquer. The world, probably.

Making Alex such a smart, capable kid saves the film from a lot of unnecessary melodrama. Rick and Evey are certainly concerned about Alex’s well being, but they know he’s able to take care of himself and, as Ardeth points out, the bad guys won’t kill him until he’s led them to Ahm Shere. Alex’s strength of character and the bad guy’s plan combine to let us have our fun, rollicking adventure, and as much fun as it is to see Evey and Rick in action again, the real fun in this movie is watching Alex’s exchanges with Imhotep, Anck-Su-Namun, and Lock-Nah.

Lock-Nah serves as Alex’s primary babysitter on the trip to Ahm-Shere, and Alex is constantly annoying the warrior by asking him, “Are we there, yet?,” complaining about having to go the bathroom, and acting like a spoiled brat that the water Lock-Nah brings him doesn’t have any ice in it. These interactions provide a steady stream of laughs, but also serve the plot. Alex isn’t just being a jerk to be a jerk, he’s doing it to annoy Lock-Nah to make him careless. When he lets Lock-Nah give him a bathroom break, he escapes off the train they’re traveling in. When Alex gets Lock-Nah to bring him water, it’s not so he can drink it, it’s so he can spill it in the sand and leave a clue for his parents.

Alex’s attack doesn’t work so well with the reincarnated Egyptians, however. When Meela (in her pre-Anck-Su-Namun’s soul phase) tells him to behave, Alex shoots back a snide, “I don’t behave for my own parents. What makes you think I’ll behave for you?”

“Because your parents don’t put poisonous snakes in your bed … while you’re sleeping.”

Alex is suitably impressed.

Some of his best interactions come with Imhotep. He puts on a brave face and, at first, doesn’t look all that scared by the mummy, but when Imhotep pulls off his mask and shows his not-yet-regenerated face, Alex is taken aback and realizes that this dude is the real deal.

Most of the action sequences work fine, providing a good mix of humor and thrills. The only really shaky part is the Scorpion King, himself. In the prologue, it was just Dwayne Johnson running round, but here in the contemporary period, it’s a CGI half-man, half-giant scorpion. The CGI of the scorpion half looks fine, but the human top-half just looks … well, it looks fake and cheap.

That’s a small complaint in an otherwise fine sequel. I would have liked to see them use John Hannah more, too, but the relationship between him and Alex is pretty darn good, providing both humor and serving as an example of the O’Connell familial bonds. And that’s what really sets THE MUMMY and it’s sequels apart – the thrill of seeing this family of adventurers do their thing. There’s no singular character arc in RETURNS that matches the Rick-Evey romance from THE MUMMY, but there’s still lots here to enjoy.

The film even gets a subtle, playful dig in at the Indiana Jones franchise and Indy’s fear of snakes. When the movie opens, a snake is slithering towards Evey, and she casually puts her boot under it and flicks it away.

“That’s poisonous,” Rick scolds.

“Only if it bites you,” Evey asserts.

And the ending provides a good amount of real pathos. RETURNS tries to get a “I can’t believe they killed Evey” reaction out of the audience, but I think everyone realizes she’s going to come back before the end of the film. Which she does, thanks to Alex. No, the real pathos at the end is derived from Imhotep himself. After Rick kills the Scorpion King, everything around them starts to crumble. A crack to the underworld opens up and the dead try to pull Rick and Imhotep down to Hell. They’re both clinging to the edge of the floor and across the way, Evey and Anck-Su-Namun (I hate typing that name) are watching them. The roof is collapsing, making reaching their lovers difficult. Rick tells Evey to get away, but she risks her life to save him. Imhotep asks Anck-Su-Namun to save him, and she runs away.

Imhotep is crushed by this act. He’s risked everything for Anck-Su-Namun and she won’t risk her life for him, choosing to let the undead claim him. Vosloo is fantastic here, looking at Rick and Evey’s love with a clear sense of admiration and respect. He realizes their love is something he thought he had with Anck-Su-Namun, but clearly does not. Instead of fighting, Imhotep gives up life, and willingly falls into the arms of the undead, damning himself to Hell.

It’s powerful stuff, and a great ending to a great film. THE MUMMY RETURNS isn’t as good as THE MUMMY, but it’s still a darn sight more entertaining than most popcorn flicks. Not only is it a worthy sequel, THE MUMMY RETURNS is a triumph on its own.

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THE MUMMY REVIEW INDEX:
THE MUMMY: No Harm Ever Came From Reading a Book
THE MUMMY RETURNS: No Harm Ever Came From Opening a Chest
THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR: Good Going, Dad, You’ve Raised Another Mummy

THE MUMMY: No Harm Ever Came From Reading a Book

The Mummy (1999) – Directed by Stephen Sommers – Starring Brendan Fraser, Rachel Weisz, John Hannah, Arnold Vosloo, Oded Fehr, Kevin J. O’Connor, Patricia Velásquez, and Bernard Fox.

When I first became aware of THE MUMMY, I dismissed it as an Indiana Jones knock-off starring an actor I didn’t like – why should I bother with watching a film like that?

Because, dummy, you never know how good a movie is until you watch it, that’s why. After dismissing THE MUMMY, I finally watched it when I bought a 2-DVD pack of THE MUMMY and THE MUMMY RETURNS that has been improperly marked for sale at Wal-Mart for $10. Maybe $15. I’d heard enough good things about the film at that point that I was willing to take advantage of a corporation’s pricing error.

Happy day for me.

Not only do I enjoy THE MUMMY and its sequel (we’ll talk about MUMMY 3 a few reactions down the line), I would go far as to say that if, by some odd plot contrivance of the universe, I could only watch Indiana Jones movies or MUMMY movies for the rest of my life, I’d pick the MUMMY movies. Blasphemous? Perhaps, and I don’t want to turn this into an Indiana Jones vs. MUMMY debate (though I realize I just did), but THE MUMMY films are just pure roller coaster fun from start to finish.

THE MUMMY opens with a decidedly fitting and gruesome prologue in which the Egyptian high priest Imhotep (Arnold Vosloo) gets caught touching the sexy lady friend of Seti I. Seti is a bit of the jealous sort, and so consigns his mistress Anck-Su-Namun (Patricia Velásquez) to death and puts Imhotep into a sarcophagus filled with hundreds of creepy beetles that will spend the next few thousand years slowly eating him alive.

Yeah, fun stuff. I’ll say this for ancient, evil, magic-wielding Egyptians – they do curses with an awesomely impressive sense of vengeance.

Cut to the film’s present of 1926 and we find the absolute cutest, sexiest librarian in the world knocking over book shelves. Evelyn Carnahan (Rachel Weisz) is incredibly smart, impossibly cute, and a bit of a klutz. Her brother Jonathan (John Hannah) is a bit unscrupulous and treasure-hungry, and he’s always trying to pawn off trinkets on the museum in order to increase his financial bottom line. He’s got another item for Evey to have the curator take a look at, and this time he’s actually got something extremely valuable – a map to Hamunaptra, the lost city of the dead.

Jonathan reveals to Evey that he “acquired” the map from an American named Rick O’Connell (Brendan Fraser), who’s currently in the local jail and about to be hanged. Evey is both shocked and a bit turned out by the rough-and-tumble American (a member of the French Foreign Legion), and she buys his life from the Warden in exchange for cutting him in on the profits from the treasure they’ll get at Hamunaptra.

Evey’s expedition isn’t the only group seeking the legendary city of the dead; Rick’s former Legionnaire mate Beni (Kevin J. O’Connor) is also leading a group of American cowboys to the treasure and there’s a good bit of fun between the two groups as they sometimes try to slow the other side down and sometimes work together against various supernatural threats. The cowboys are writ a bit cartoonish, but they’re not so overdone that they hurt the film.

Watching all of this from afar are the Medjai, led by Ardeth Bay (Oded Fehr). The Magi are the descendants of the folks who initially put Imhotep into his beetle-infested sarcophagus and they stick around to make sure no one opens up the priest’s prison and lets the Big Bad out.

But, of course, Imhotep gets out thanks to Evey reading from the Book of the Dead. “No harm ever came from reading a book,” she tells Rick when he cautions her against doing it, but she doesn’t listen and Imhotep gets let out. This sequence perfectly illustrates just how much fun THE MUMMY is, blending both the deadly serious (Imhotep’s rebirth) with a knowing sense of fun (when Evey starts reading from the book and spooky winds kick up, Rick dryly remarks, “That happens a lot.”).

Imhotep is all bandages and missing body parts, but he slowly regains his physical form as he kills the American cowboys who discovered the canopic jars that carry Ahnk-sun-Amun’s organs inside of them.

Yeah, I don’t get it, either, but I’m not an expert on Egyptian curses and flesh-eating beetles that kill you slowly over thousands of years (because as they eat you, they preserve your life?) and keeping preserved organs of a woman in fancy little jars in order to bring her lover back to life.

After Rick thinks he’s killed Imhotep and Ardeth has told him he’s an idiot, all the Americans and Brits run back to Cairo. Imhotep finds them and takes their flesh from them, only running away when he sees a cat. Yup, a cat. Because until he’s fully restored, our Big Bad is afraid of cats, because cats are the guardians of the underworld. It’s another great bit that’s both serious a little bit silly.

While in Cairo, they run into Evey’s boss and the Medjai and learn a bit more about how bad Imhotep is and how the fate of the world is at stake and how they need the Book of Amun-Ra to kill him. Evey sacrifices her freedom by agreeing to go with Imhotep in exchange for their lives. Imhotep double crosses her and sends his brainwashed slaves after them, but Ardeth helps them escape into the sewers, thus earning everyone’s trust that he’s a good guy and all the previous antagonism has been an unfortunate occurrence of circumstance.

This paves the way for the big action-filled conclusion as our heroes face down an army of mummies inside Humanaptra. Evey reads from the Boom of Amun-Ra, which turns Imhotep mortal, and Rick kills him all permanent like. (Well, until they need him for the sequel, at least.) It’s an impressive final battle and a worthy victory. Evey, Rick, and Jonathan ride off with some stolen treasure, though the real prize for Rick and Evey is each other.

Aw, isn’t that sweet?

It is, actually, and Fraser and Weisz deserve full credit for making this relationship work. It would be easy for Rick and Evelyn to come off as simple, cartoonish types, but Fraser and Weisz do a really good job at making them feel like real people. Rather quickly, we learn that he’s more than just the roguish, loud, American cowboy (having three actual cowboys along helps to differentiate him), and Evey isn’t just the sweet, innocent librarian. It’s the small moments, like when she gets drunk or reads from the Book of the Dead, that shows you this is a real character. The same goes for Rick, who might steal a kiss from Evey through his prison bars because she’s hot, but quickly comes to actually like her for more than her cuteness.

Stephen Sommers does a bang-up job keeping everything humming along, blending action and humor on top of a just-solid-enough foundation of pathos. He manages to take a xomic relief character like RAF Captain Winston Havlock (Bernard Fox) and give him a touching ending. Winston is still living in the desert, still pining for the glory days, still wishing he’d found death in battle like his fellow pilots and basically just drinking his pudgy self to death. When Rick needs a pilot to go after Evey, however, Winston is glad to be of service, and he pilots them across the desert. Imhotep sends a massive sand storm after them which ends up crashing the plane holding Winston, Rick, Jonathan, and Ardeth, but all of them survive except for Winston, giving the old pilot the glorious death he so wanted.

THE MUMMY is two hours of pure cinematic fun. I’ve watched it a bunch since that first viewing and it always satisfies. Fraser, Weisz, Hannah, and Fehr are perfectly cast, and Sommers does a perfect job putting them in motion. There’s brilliant locations, a gorgeous visual palette of rich and warm browns, a great villain, and the perfect blend of exciting thrills and honest laughs.

I really love this movie.

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THE MUMMY REVIEW INDEX:
THE MUMMY: No Harm Ever Came From Reading a Book
THE MUMMY RETURNS: No Harm Ever Came From Opening a Chest
THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR: Good Going, Dad, You’ve Raised Another Mummy