Escape Plan Quad Poster

ESCAPE PLAN: You Hit Like a Vegetarian

Escape Plan (2013) – Directed by Mikael Håfström – Starring Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jim Caviezel, Vinnie Jones, Vincent D’Onofrio, Amy Ryan, Sam Neill, and Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson. It’s fascinating watching our ’80s and ’90s action heroes age. Bruce Willis has turned minimalist, his characters becoming more interior, as if what age has sapped…

The Last Stand

THE LAST STAND: Look at That Squirrel in His Big Motherf*cker Hat

The Last Stand (2013) – Directed by Kim Jee-woon – Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Forest Whitaker, Johnny Knoxville, Rodrigo Santoro, Jaimie Alexander, Luis Guzmán, Eduardo Noriega, Peter Stormare, Zach Gilford, Génesis Rodríguez, and Harry Dean Stanton. I don’t remember the writer or even the movies he was talking about, but somewhere back 15 years ago or…

PREDATOR: El Diablo Que Hace Trofeos de Los Hombres

Predator (1987) – Directed by John McTiernan – Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Carl Weathers, Elpidia Carrillo, Richard Chaves, Sonny Landham, Shane Black, Bill Duke, Jesse Ventura, Kevin Peter Hall, and Peter Cullen. I really wanted to call this review Dillon and the Alien Hunting Machine. or Dillon and the Bungle in the Jungle. PREDATOR is my…

THE EXPENDABLES 2: Track Him, Find Him, Kill Him

The Expendables 2 (2012) – Directed by Simon West – Starring Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Yu Nan, Chuck Norris, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Liam Hemsworth, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Scott Adkins, and Charisma Carpenter. If you’re new to the Anxiety, be aware that SPOILERS LIE AHEAD. This is…

TOTAL RECALL: See You At the Party, Richter

Total Recall (1990) – Directed by Paul Verhoeven – Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rachel Ticotin, Sharon Stone, Michael Ironside and Ronny Cox. “I just had a terrible thought. What if this is a dream?” Don’t worry, Arny. One, it is a dream. Two, it doesn’t really matter because it’s a pretty good dream. Three, if it…

RED SONJA: I Will Tell the Future in Your Entrails, Red Woman!

Red Sonja (1985) – Directed by Richard Fleischer – Starring Brigitte Nielsen, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sandahl Bergman, Paul L. Smith, Ernie Reyes, Jr., Ronald Lacey, and Pat Roach. Arnold Schwarzenegger has called RED SONJA the worst movie he’s been in, and joked that when his kids are bad, he punishes them by making them watch this…

BATMAN AND ROBIN: There’s Something About an Anatomically Correct Rubber Suit That Puts Fire in a Girl’s Lips

Batman and Robin (1997) – Directed by Joel Schumacher – Starring George Clooney, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chris O’Donnell, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone, Pat Hingle, John Glover, and Michael Gough. BATMAN AND ROBIN is widely recognized as one of the worst films of all-time, and it is completely deserving of this dishonor. If you came here expecting…