THE SEA WOLVES: I Want Everyone Here to Smell Like a Distillery

The Sea Wolves (1980) – Directed by Andrew W. McLaglen – Starring Gregory Peck, Roger Moore, David Niven, Trevor Howard, Barbara Kellerman, and Patrick Macnee.

THE SEA WOLVES is an odd movie.

Given the title and the cover image they use at Netflix, I had thought I was getting a later version of an Alistair MacLean movie, which, as you know because you’re a loyal reader, I’d been reviewing for my appearance on Van Allen Plexico’s White Rocket Podcast. With Gregory Peck, Roger Moore, and David Niven looking so serious on the cover image, I was expecting a derivative MacLean film that would’t be as good, necessarily, but would still be entertaining.

Well, it’s not a MacLean film, but it is entertaining. It is, however, the kind of movie that doesn’t make any sense. The fact that it’s based on a true story makes the fact that it doesn’t make any sense make even less sense. And all of that is part of its charm.

Ostensibly, THE SEA WOLVES is a war movie. A World War II movie, to be precise, in which the Brits want to blow up a Nazi ship in neutral territory that is broadcasting detailed information about Allied ships, resulting in them getting blown to the bottom of the ocean by German U-boats. Being in neutral territory off the coast of Goa, the Brits can’t go after the ships without causing all sorts of international problems. Hamstrung, the Brits give the mission to the Calcutta Light Horse, which was part of the Cavalry Reserve in the British Indian Army.

What does all of that mean? It means old Brits living in India and playing lots of polo and drinking lots of beer get tasked with taking out a German controlled ship in neutral territory all the way on the opposite coast of India.

If this were a MacLean story, the film would start with Colonel Lewis Pugh (Gregory Peck) and Captain Gavin Stewart (Roger Moore) bringing in Colonel Grice (David Niven) and the rest of his Light Horse contingent, and then they’d go on a big adventure leading to a massive final action sequence. Of course, given that the Calcutta Light Horse isn’t a group of professional soldiers, but a group of ex-soldiers who have invited to not get involved in the war, maybe it would never be a MacLean story.

Instead of the band of ragtag brothers out to save the day, THE SEA WOLVES gives us a whole lot of Gregory Peck and Roger Moore playing Secret Agent Men in Goa, where Gavin finds time to fall in love with Mrs. Cromwell (Barbara Kellerman), who just so happens to be the Nazis #2 man in the Indian state.

It’s the relationship between Peck and Moore that gives SEA WOLVES its charm, and it is a very charming, enjoyable movie. It’s not a movie that I want to think too much about (the Brits only option is to do nothing or recruit some non-soldiers?) but if just sitting and watching it play out is a good time. Peck and Moore are fantastic playing off one another, and this is one of my favorite Peck performances. He’s so relaxed here that he plays almost every scene with this interior smirk that gives Pugh a persona that’s both professional and cocky. You’d think Moore would play the relaxed cocky one, and he does that, too. Instead of these performances either clashing with one another or canceling each other out, they actually work wonderfully together. It’s like watching two versions of the same man, separated by 30 years of experience.

I could easily have watched these two guys the entire movie and while that would not have been true to the spirit of what the actual Calcutta Light Horse did (and it’s to the movie’s credit that it makes sure you know this is a story based on real people), it would have been a more enjoyable movie. Once Pugh and Gavin split up – Pugh oversees the operation while Gavin stays in Goa to create distractions. All of the Light Horse guys are great but we get so little of them – and so little of David Niven – that their presence in the film distracts me from what I just spent the bulk of the movie watching.

I do not normally try to think for you, the reader. That’s just bad form. I’ll tell you what I think of a movie and attempt to stay away from ordaining what you think of a movie. That said, and to continue with my opening comments, if you come to the film wanting a war movie, you’re not going to get one. There’s very little World War II in the film. Instead, THE SEA WOLVES is like a relaxed adventure film that highlights an upper middle class British gentility. Whatever the purpose of the Light Horse originally was, in SEA WOLVES it’s just an old boy’s club where “men get to be men unless their woman is there to shake her head at them.” These are men looking for a bit of glory, who are unhappy to be considered out to pasture. They want to help. They want a bit of danger. And it’s … it’s almost tragic. They want to be important again and they treat the whole enterprise like they’re out on a fox hunt.

That doesn’t mean it’s not fun to watch them, because THE SEA WOLVES is the perfect example of what I used to call an AMC movie. I haven’t had cable in so long I have no real idea what kinds of movies that AMC still broadcasts, but back in the day they played a lot of movies I’d never heard of that nonetheless starred a bunch of people I had heard of. Using SEA WOLVES as an example – I’d see the ad for a film starring Peck, Moore, and Niven and then wonder why I didn’t instantly recognize what movie it was. How could I not know about a movie starring Gregory Peck, Roger Moore, and David Niven?

Then I’d watch the film and know why – it was thoroughly mediocre and maybe even disappointing. As time goes by we think of old actors only for their best or most memorable films. We forget that even big stars probably starred in a bunch of clunkers, and that was the role that AMC existed to fill, to remind us of those probably clunkers.

SEA WOLVES isn’t a clunker, though. It’s not a highly memorable movie but it’s a perfect example of what I wanted but usually did not get out of an AMC movie – an enjoyable film starring a bunch of actors I like doing things they’re good at. That’s SEA WOLVES. It’s not overly memorable, it’s not overly well made, but it is thoroughly entertaining, and proof that sometimes even war movies can be breezy and light and charming.

FFOLKES/NORTH SEA HIJACK: Both My Parents Died Tragically at Childbirth

NORTH SEA HIJACK(1979; UK); NORTH SEA HIJACK (1980; Rest of World) – Directed by Andrew V. McLaglen – Starring Roger Moore, James Mason, Anthony Perkins, Michael Parks, David Hedison, Jack Watson, Jeremy Clyde, and Faith Brook.

Thin line between awful and awesome? Thy name is FFOLKES. Or NORTH SEA HIJACK. Or ASSAULT FORCE.

How much do you like Roger Moore?

Because if you are like me, and like him quite a bit, then FFOLKES is a film you absolutely have to see. You’ll love it. You won’t love it because it’s reminiscent of his work as Simon Templar or James Bond, but you’ll love it because Moore is so totally committed to not being those guys that he breathes fully-realized life into one of the most preposterous characters ever committed to film.

Moore plays Rufus Excalibur ffolkes, and yes, ffolkes is correctly spelled with a lowercase “f,” a man who hates women, loves cats (insert your own pussy galore joke here), drinks Scotch straight from the bottle, and is such a master strategist that he has his own counter-terrorism team that he trains to complete their missions down to the second. Also, read the title of this review again: “Both my parents died tragically at childbirth.”

Both his parents. At childbirth.

He was being birthed. By his mother. And his father died.

Moore is brilliant. Brilliant. His performance here might very well be my favorite performance in an awful movie because he is so committed to this woman hating, cat loving, scotch drinking, arrogant man with a really messy beard.

Because NORTH SEA HIJACK (it’s original UK name) or FFOLKES (it’s rest-of-the-world-name) or ASSAULT FORCE (it’s US network television name) is pretty awful. It’s a film which involves a terrorist taking over an oil rig supply ship and threatening said oil rig that brings the British government to its knees, and the Prime Minister, the terrorists, and the master strategist play out this dramatic set-up by doing a whole lot of sitting around and talking.

An unbelievable amount of sitting around and talking. Lou Kramer (Anthony Perkins) spends 99% of the film on the bridge of the supply ship, Esther.

No, I’m just kidding. Kramer does not spend 99% of the movie on the bridge of Esther. It’s only 96%.

When Kramer takes over Esther, he calls the British government and tells them, “I’ve got bombs. I’ve got bombs on Jennifer and Ruth and Esther! I want 25 million pounds in five different monetary denominations. And I’ll give you 24 hours or things go boom!”

The British government pulls the Prime Minister (Faith Brook) out of a party or out of bed (her dress sorta looks like it could do double duty at official functions and bedtime), and they chat about their options. James Mason says things like, “I’m 69 years old. Why do I still need a paycheck this badly?” The Lord Privy (an enjoyable Jeremy Clyde) suggests they get ffolkes, but people are a bit nervous about this, despite the fact that ffolkes already predicted a terrorist might try to take over the oil rig just like Kramer has done. With all of those options on the table, what action does the assertive Prime Minister take?

She goes to bed.

Literally. She doesn’t even ask, “Why do we name all oil rigs and supply ships after women?”

In her next scene, we’ve jumped ahead to the next morning where she’s like, “Well, I guess it’s time to make a decision. Let’s go with the cat lover.”

That’s followed by more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking.

But hey, some of that talking takes place with people sitting down while other talking scenes take place with people standing up, so it’s not like you get bored by all the talking.

Luckily, we have the crew of Esther who have been taken hostage by Kramer and aren’t happy about that. They actually do crazy things, like, try to stop the terrorists! Those wacky kids.

Despite all the talking, despite the fact that the movie isn’t any good, I kinda love it. Moore is so good, and looks to be having so much fun delivering his lines, that FFOLKES or NORTH SEA HIJACK or ASSAULT FORCE ends up being hard to turn away from. (Heck, even the fact that the movie has three completely different names adds to its charm.)

How can you not love a movie in which Moore rambles out:

“A wet suit in vermilion. Just what one needs at night.”

“I’ll have your balls for breakfast!”

“Therefore, I must put myself in his position and devise a means of doing so. And having done that, I simply work out how to overpower myself!”

“If any one of my men moves round anything with his eyes shut I shall personally gouge them out! It’s time for a drink.”

“We drink Scotch here the way it should be drunk – neat!”

“Like plowmen at a bloody knitting convention.”

Or, when discovering that women are allowed on “these things,” ffolkes mutters, “A gigantic step backwards!”

Being the master strategist that he is, ffolkes big plan involves James Mason dropping cigarettes on the floor at a precise moment so he can shoot Tony Perkins with a spear gun. Oh, and on the subject of the spear gun – when ffolkes is explaining the spear gun to Admiral James Mason, he tells him that if you can shoot someone with the spear gun and not hit that person’s bone, the people will die quietly.

Or something. I don’t know. ffolkes just says things and I find myself going, “Yes, absolutely, of course your personal counter terrorism squad can shoot people with a spear gun without hitting bone. Of course.”

ffolkes’ plan to get aboard the Esther is foiled when Kramer decides, “I don’t like your face,” and sends him away. Perkins is pretty brilliant here, too. Just like Moore, the dude is totally committed to his performance and gets to say lines like this to Esther‘s captain: “I am the temporary captain of this tub and you’re going to be taking your orders from me for the time being. And the quicker you get that straight, the shorter that time is gonna be, so let’s just play patty-cake together and get this over with. Remember, luck favors the man with the most limpet mines and I’ve got a bundle of them.”

When the day has been saved, the Prime Minster throws a big ceremony for ffolkes at ffolkes’ estate and she tells him that she knows he doesn’t like medals, so she gives him three white cats: Esther, Jennifer, and Ruth. ffolkes’ response is to leave the party so he can give them saucers of warm milk.

That’s right – the Prime Minister’s message is: “Thanks for saving the country, Rufus Excalibur ffolkes, here are three cats.”

Honestly, with an ending like that, how can you not love this movie?

——

Mark Bousquet is the author of several novels, including Gunfighter Gothic, Stuffed Animals for Hire, Dreamer’s Syndrome, Harpsichord and the Wormhole Witches, and Adventures of the Five. He has also published a review collection entitle Marvel Comics on Film, which covers every cinematic and TV movie based on a superhero from the House of Ideas. A complete listing of all his work can be found at his Amazon author page.