NORTH SEA HIJACK(1979; UK); NORTH SEA HIJACK (1980; Rest of World) – Directed by Andrew V. McLaglen – Starring Roger Moore, James Mason, Anthony Perkins, Michael Parks, David Hedison, Jack Watson, Jeremy Clyde, and Faith Brook.
Thin line between awful and awesome? Thy name is FFOLKES. Or NORTH SEA HIJACK. Or ASSAULT FORCE.
How much do you like Roger Moore?
Because if you are like me, and like him quite a bit, then FFOLKES is a film you absolutely have to see. You’ll love it. You won’t love it because it’s reminiscent of his work as Simon Templar or James Bond, but you’ll love it because Moore is so totally committed to not being those guys that he breathes fully-realized life into one of the most preposterous characters ever committed to film.
Moore plays Rufus Excalibur ffolkes, and yes, ffolkes is correctly spelled with a lowercase “f,” a man who hates women, loves cats (insert your own pussy galore joke here), drinks Scotch straight from the bottle, and is such a master strategist that he has his own counter-terrorism team that he trains to complete their missions down to the second. Also, read the title of this review again: “Both my parents died tragically at childbirth.”
Both his parents. At childbirth.
He was being birthed. By his mother. And his father died.
Moore is brilliant. Brilliant. His performance here might very well be my favorite performance in an awful movie because he is so committed to this woman hating, cat loving, scotch drinking, arrogant man with a really messy beard.
Because NORTH SEA HIJACK (it’s original UK name) or FFOLKES (it’s rest-of-the-world-name) or ASSAULT FORCE (it’s US network television name) is pretty awful. It’s a film which involves a terrorist taking over an oil rig supply ship and threatening said oil rig that brings the British government to its knees, and the Prime Minister, the terrorists, and the master strategist play out this dramatic set-up by doing a whole lot of sitting around and talking.
An unbelievable amount of sitting around and talking. Lou Kramer (Anthony Perkins) spends 99% of the film on the bridge of the supply ship, Esther.
No, I’m just kidding. Kramer does not spend 99% of the movie on the bridge of Esther. It’s only 96%.
When Kramer takes over Esther, he calls the British government and tells them, “I’ve got bombs. I’ve got bombs on Jennifer and Ruth and Esther! I want 25 million pounds in five different monetary denominations. And I’ll give you 24 hours or things go boom!”
The British government pulls the Prime Minister (Faith Brook) out of a party or out of bed (her dress sorta looks like it could do double duty at official functions and bedtime), and they chat about their options. James Mason says things like, “I’m 69 years old. Why do I still need a paycheck this badly?” The Lord Privy (an enjoyable Jeremy Clyde) suggests they get ffolkes, but people are a bit nervous about this, despite the fact that ffolkes already predicted a terrorist might try to take over the oil rig just like Kramer has done. With all of those options on the table, what action does the assertive Prime Minister take?
She goes to bed.
Literally. She doesn’t even ask, “Why do we name all oil rigs and supply ships after women?”
In her next scene, we’ve jumped ahead to the next morning where she’s like, “Well, I guess it’s time to make a decision. Let’s go with the cat lover.”
That’s followed by more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking. Then more talking.
But hey, some of that talking takes place with people sitting down while other talking scenes take place with people standing up, so it’s not like you get bored by all the talking.
Luckily, we have the crew of Esther who have been taken hostage by Kramer and aren’t happy about that. They actually do crazy things, like, try to stop the terrorists! Those wacky kids.
Despite all the talking, despite the fact that the movie isn’t any good, I kinda love it. Moore is so good, and looks to be having so much fun delivering his lines, that FFOLKES or NORTH SEA HIJACK or ASSAULT FORCE ends up being hard to turn away from. (Heck, even the fact that the movie has three completely different names adds to its charm.)
How can you not love a movie in which Moore rambles out:
“A wet suit in vermilion. Just what one needs at night.”
“I’ll have your balls for breakfast!”
“Therefore, I must put myself in his position and devise a means of doing so. And having done that, I simply work out how to overpower myself!”
“If any one of my men moves round anything with his eyes shut I shall personally gouge them out! It’s time for a drink.”
“We drink Scotch here the way it should be drunk – neat!”
“Like plowmen at a bloody knitting convention.”
Or, when discovering that women are allowed on “these things,” ffolkes mutters, “A gigantic step backwards!”
Being the master strategist that he is, ffolkes big plan involves James Mason dropping cigarettes on the floor at a precise moment so he can shoot Tony Perkins with a spear gun. Oh, and on the subject of the spear gun – when ffolkes is explaining the spear gun to Admiral James Mason, he tells him that if you can shoot someone with the spear gun and not hit that person’s bone, the people will die quietly.
Or something. I don’t know. ffolkes just says things and I find myself going, “Yes, absolutely, of course your personal counter terrorism squad can shoot people with a spear gun without hitting bone. Of course.”
ffolkes’ plan to get aboard the Esther is foiled when Kramer decides, “I don’t like your face,” and sends him away. Perkins is pretty brilliant here, too. Just like Moore, the dude is totally committed to his performance and gets to say lines like this to Esther‘s captain: “I am the temporary captain of this tub and you’re going to be taking your orders from me for the time being. And the quicker you get that straight, the shorter that time is gonna be, so let’s just play patty-cake together and get this over with. Remember, luck favors the man with the most limpet mines and I’ve got a bundle of them.”
When the day has been saved, the Prime Minster throws a big ceremony for ffolkes at ffolkes’ estate and she tells him that she knows he doesn’t like medals, so she gives him three white cats: Esther, Jennifer, and Ruth. ffolkes’ response is to leave the party so he can give them saucers of warm milk.
That’s right – the Prime Minister’s message is: “Thanks for saving the country, Rufus Excalibur ffolkes, here are three cats.”
Honestly, with an ending like that, how can you not love this movie?
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Mark Bousquet is the author of several novels, including Gunfighter Gothic, Stuffed Animals for Hire, Dreamer’s Syndrome, Harpsichord and the Wormhole Witches, and Adventures of the Five. He has also published a review collection entitle Marvel Comics on Film, which covers every cinematic and TV movie based on a superhero from the House of Ideas. A complete listing of all his work can be found at his Amazon author page.
Love this review! And I love this movie. Used to watch it on television all the time back in the day, and Roger Moore and Anthony Perkins were fabulous. It’s my favorite Roger Moore role of all time. He seems to just relish playing that character in a way he doesn’t do in any other movie. I have not seen it now in probably 20 years, but would love to know if my memories of it still hold up. My family used to use “Cigarette, Kramer?” as a family code phrase. Hee. And I do love his place full of cats, and the fact that he knits.